Saturday, October 06, 2007

Queer as ...

While glancing at blogs I came across Geoff’s entry concerning Queer as Folk and I vividly remembered many years ago watching an early episode of the show. I was straight, married and watched it with Carrie. Of course the fact that I heard about it and watched it (much as I sought out Angels in America on Broadway years earlier) is a commentary in and of itself. The show was real and multi-dimensional – gay people in real life and gay people unlike Will having sex with each other. I watched it a few times, then we gave up Showtime. One less premium channel to pay for, $10 a month saved. But I suspect that I felt too strong a connection, one that I was not ready to admit to, not yet.

And if I am to be completely honest, I remember sitting with Carrie and her hand wandering and feeling me, feeling me get hard at all the “right” places. The episode ended with my receiving a blowjob, but also I suspect with certain things being much harder to deny, though deny we did for another four or so years.

I share this because I still find myself floating in the netherworld. The other night I missed my gay dad’s group – busy at work, a late exit, but also a lack of motivation. If there is such a thing as my gay time, I would rather spend it “being” gay as opposed to dissecting it, at least that was my feeling last evening. And the opportunity for dinner out with my family just felt right.

After dinner while the kids and their friends ran amuck, Carrie and I hid in her bedroom and watched some television. We lay on far sides of the king size mattress, I controlling the temptation to place my hand on hers when I saw it in the DMZ. We watched, we rested, we were comfortable. At that moment I could have stayed forever.

Which is why it is important that I be transported back six years in an instant, that I remember a moment watching Queer as Folk, that I even remember specific scenes – a shower with a new young lover, a scene in a corporate men’s room – and remember my reaction to those scenes, the erections that Carrie monitored as if she knew these days were a coming.

I would love to write of stability, of confidence and of direction and certitude. I cannot. I will keep moving forward as it is the only direction I seem to know and the only path remaining. But I will not deny that my emotions and desires are as labile as ever. Only one thing seems clear at the moment: I should have never cancelled Showtime.

8 comments:

John said...

Do you ever regret telling your wife (or her finding out, sorry I forgot which)? Don't take this the wrong way, but I just look at stories like yours and am so thankful my wife doesn't know. It's not been easy hiding it, but I think it preserves her sanity and our marriage.

I also saw your comments on MJO and understand you can't go in reverse. I just wonder how tenable you would think having your gay life on the DL would have been if you could have kept your marriage, family, etc.

A Troll At Sea said...

HakaN:

Canceling Showtime may have been part of what made the last four years possible. I don't know about you, but I would never give up the "extra" years I had at home, at WHATEVER cost to myself.

T@C

Marlan said...

Similarly, I read Armistead Maupin's books during my marriage--secretly sometimes; yet denied the reality for a long time.

Nate said...

John, I did tell my wife though that is not really accurate insofar as she and I always sort of knew and just chose to ignore and deny. That being said of course there is much of me which regrets her knowing and all of the damage it has wrought. And yes my friend Troll, I am glad for all of the years, the “extra” years with my family.

But ultimately I do not think that either Carrie or I would have grown as we have without the wheels first coming off. And when I look back on my QAF story I again realize that a life of denial cannot last forever and, for me personally, a life of deceit could never start no less last: the price, in part, for the true emotional partnership we have had.

I may have lost my marriage – an unfortunate price indeed – but in Carrie I have not lost my friend and one does not lose their family by virtue of divorce unless one allows that to happen. I came close to allowing it to happen once and do not intend to allow it to happen again

A Troll At Sea said...

HakaN:

Who INTENDS to lose a friend along with a wife? None of us, I'm sure. Well, I suppose you may get away with it, just as you seem to have managed to have had your cake and eaten it, too, since moving "out" into the basement.

What I want to know is, how do you do it? and how did I fail? Am I just chopped liver?

T@C

Nate said...

I sent troll a quick e-mail after his last comment:

Figure I will do a comment tonight- busy at work and do not like to access my blog from here, but you did hit a sore chord. Carrie is big on that I live a charmed life and am the luckiest guy, etc.... the thing is that while I deeply appreciate the truth to that, I do think there is some piece of having tried to do right by people I know for a long time and reaping some rewards.

RB said...

I too remember the first time I saw Queer as Folk. It gave me the creeps. I didn't want to be like that. Fags....stereotypical homos. I didn't want to see it again, but I did watch it. The curiousity was there. I find myself always at least looking to see what's on Logo as I flip through the channels. Part of me doesn't want to see it, while part does.

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