Monday, March 02, 2009

Not Dead Yet

So many thoughts. I marvel at how much I managed to blog a few years back while still being productive at work and functioning with my family. I suppose it was an adrenaline high – the high of exploration and new things and the high of the comments. Carrie would say I need, I thrive, on the adoration whether from those I know or just watching the site counter tick up.

So where do I stand after all of this. I fear not nearly as far along in any sense as I might have hoped. Carrie likes to say that I now have it all: a boyfriend during the week and still my weekends with her and my children. That is the strange part – I do have it all as she defines it, but yet still have thoughts racing in my mind, “issues” in modern parlance. These issues swirl around - my thoughts towards Carrie, towards my family. I have come to treasure my weekends – time spent quietly as seems so appropriate as the economic world spins seemingly out of control. Maybe the economy with a nation’s new found appreciation of true values fits into this.

The bottom line is now that I know my gayness, my bi-ness, so much more of who I am, there is no longer a need to prove it. And while a good gay fantasy still can do it for me, I confess to having had the most vivid of sexual dreams a few nights back and it was Carrie that was the object of my desire. And it is a real desire both in dreams and as I sit and talk with her, our quiet time together. Of course what haunts me, besides the damage inflicted, is what would happen should I have the opportunity to be with her – not immediately, not in days or weeks, but in months and years. Would self acceptance and love for her trump the “dark” side, not so dark now that is not a secret. Or would it come rushing back, secret trysts and lies yet again?

And overriding it all is the simple desire to do right by Carrie. Assuming that I could make a bargain – her acceptance of who I am and my willing to leave the actions behind – is that right for her or just another way of watching a slow bleed, of not putting on the bandage and moving along. She would say it can never be made right, just move along, but I am not sure how much I believe her, not when we spend our time on the weekends so comfortably, not when we speak on the phone every day.

I can hear her now asking: What about Phil, do you plan on mentioning him, so mention him I will. He is my boyfriend – a strange relationship in many ways, me being Mr. Out and him owning the most capacious of closets; me having an emotional affair of sorts with my wife and him still having a relationship of sorts with his last boyfriend; me being happiest in relationships and him never wanting to be so fully pinned down.

Carrie says that if I loved Phil in a total sense, I would not feel the pull towards her. While she has a good track record, I fear this she has wrong for it ultimately is not a commentary on Phil in anyway: it is a commentary on the strength of the bond that she and I have. There is comfort in my friendships and the honesty of the relationships. And there is a true comfort in the knowledge whether as lovers or friends, Carrie and I have crossed back into a land of honesty and friendship, albeit with emotional speed bumps a plenty ahead.


Paul said...

Ah ... you never know what you have until it's gone.

sexy said...
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RB said...

It's good that the relationship with carrie has not turned toxic. So many of the cast off wives of bi married men are angry and bitter...but can you blame them? At least she understands your situation, and although I'm sure she's not happy about it, she's supporting you.