Last night was a bad night’s sleep. So much on my mind, maybe a “rebound” from the Ambien induced slumber of the night before, and maybe just the wrong bed. You see my son has returned from six months of travel. It was an easy airport pickup, a great afternoon, a successful coming out and then off to bed. He is my son and my little bedroom is quiet and comfortable. I opt for the futon. Not so comfortable.
Lunch at work with my hood today – the two people I will tell: sooner than later. Tell of the basement, tell of the marriage in tatters and yes, tell of the gay. One of them is tired also – a night with a sick child. We compare notes and as she tells of her night, I form my thoughts, my next sentence. “I gave up my bed for my son; I slept on that hard futon.”
OMG
It strikes me before I speak, barely. They do not know of the basement, the failed marriage, the gayness. They think all is well in paradise. My mind is numb from the thought of the conversation that almost was. “What, you and Carrie gave the kid the master bedroom? Hellooooo”
The thing is that I have built my life, my whole persona on being open and honest. These two work friends have lived through so much with me – they know about the basement and Anna and Bill, they know of the wedding which was and the one which was not. When there have been other troubles, we have talked, we have shared.
And now, this: reduced to being in terror about a simple statement of my life, reduced to living a lie that goes so far beyond the gay. Is my sex life anyone’s business? We all know the answer to that – it is my personal affair. But to be fostering a false world, a marriage with the reality of cutout figures. No.
The thing is that there is no way to really explain the state of the marriage, the continued sharing of the house, the obvious fondness for my wife, without addressing the underlying cause – the gayness.
It is clear that over the next few months, it is time to sit with my friends – quietly, away from the office – and softly tell the truth instead of just waiting for the inevitable slip.
I am not ready for that moment but as with so much else of late, it is no longer a question of when I am ready.
Yes indeed, the times they are a' changing.
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5 comments:
Those inevitable slips are scary. I have made a few myself. It does make me hasten the day to be completely out.
Ok...listen...I'm very compassionate about your plight. for real. and I'll probably regret even sharing this comment...I can't think of a time when I've ever felt "negative" toward someone who was just sharing their story....
and yet...
your story and the way you tell it is so irksome to me. I'm hoping that by telling you this out loud I can get past it. Or, maybe I just need to stop reading it! haha!!! :)
Your story belongs to you, and you have to live it and tell it in your own way I suppose. But...good grief....sometimes I just want to slap you around and say "get the heck on with it, move out, and BE gay!!!"
I say that with much love...for real. I know being gay and discovering yourself is a big deal and all...i mean..like a MAJOR life-changing event...but still...chop chop....there's a wife upstairs who it seems deserves the time to start discovering and getting on with her own self....post you and your trauma.
I'm sorry. That was rude. I think I really only said all of it just so I could apologize to you for thinking it.
love and grace,
pam
After e-mailing Grace, I ralized my response also belongs here:
Hi Pam,
I have no issue with your comments, though am a little surprised that this would be the post to push you into speaking - I think I have had many more disturbing ones of late. And while it occurs more in the land of e-mails as opposed to blogs, I am quite used to being taken to task (bitch slapped as Sis calls it) by Sis and Spider among others.
It is complicated and nuanced - moving out has financial considerations including a likely downsizing of the marital home which I would like to avoid for my kids. Also I am still deeply involved in the day to day of my kids life - it is not the same when one gets an apartment.
We are not sure if our current status of "Will and Grace" in the same house is tenable and will need to play it by ear. We do remain close friends who communicate constantly, but clearly it is taking a toll on both of us.
But ultimately my response, which I will do as a comment when I am not at work, is Nolo Contendre. I am not particularly able to defend the massive difficulty I am having in letting go and moving on. Recently someone in my eastern liberal circle described my coming out as a non-event. I have thought much of that comment over the last few days. At first I agreed with the thought, but at age 52 having my existence uprooted and starting to rebuild a life is anything but a non-event.
Thanks for the comment Pam - I do need to be reminded of the overview, more than I am really willing to admit, particularly to myself.
Nate
Nate,
I appreciate your grace in responding to my comment. :) I'll write more later.
pam
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