I had a dream last night, a minor dream: one that did not even begin to imply revelations. However it was sexually exciting and I awoke aroused and as the dream started to come back to me there was the sense of almost elation – the dream had three women in it, three women who met at the gas station (ask Sigmund, not me) and soon were in a sexual entanglement. And I thought: see there is a bi-side, hiding of late, but still there after all.
Then I started to remember more of the dream and I started to remember the nature of their sexual activity. Two women there together – buying gas, then on the other side of the pump another woman, alone, pulls up. Then the scene changes, not sure where it moved to but the new arrival is on her back and flanked by the friends. And the activities center around some form of oral gratification – they are feeding the woman in the center a liquid, dripping into her mouth. And while there are no men in the dream I realize that even this dream populated with women – pretty, desirable women – is yet another homo-erotic fantasy, though one I cannot accurately define.
I am not one to remember dreams but there have been others in this series, others with women but not my fucking them, dreams of women, but not of pussies. It seems that even my dreams share in the struggle of denial. But there is really no surprise there – what are dreams if not windows into the soul.
The dream is not really striking, not all that much to write about. What the dream represents – homo-erotic longing hiding under the guise of heterosexuality – is surely no surprise. But my initial reaction, joy of having these women visit my dreams, relief that they could still pay a visit… well the balm of that denial was not very long lasting. And maybe that is the measure – not my continuing ability to try to deny: my inability to maintain the denial.
I recently read the significance is never the dream but the interpretation. I suppose we can tweak that to include one’s reaction.
The moving van pulled up this morning and a few hours later Bill and Anna were moved to their new home. Tonight I finally truly take up residence in my basement and yet another phase begins.