Tuesday, February 27, 2007


Of late there are appears to be three Nate’s. There is the daytime Nate, the evening Nate and the late night Nate. The problem is that three Nate’s are exhibiting more personalities than Sybil herself. I suspect this is distressing to Carrie and undoubtedly is taking a toll on me.

During the days I suit up, literally, and am off to work, a veritable pillar of the community. There I have regular e-mail flurries with some of my new friends. These are intelligent, intellectual – sometimes playful, but of late never overtly sexual. These are “dates”, not mere hookups. And they are good, they are validating, they are a reminder of starting a new life, a healthy life.

Then time to go home, home to the land of separation and togetherness, the land of confusion. Dinner with the family, chatting with Carrie while kids do their homework (albeit grudgingly). Sometimes a TV show together and sometimes opposite stair cases. If one needed to pick a phrase for those evenings, comfortable companionship would do just fine. The talk varies – children, our days, and of course TGT.

But sooner or later, it is time to part, the kids tucked in and each of us to our separate bedrooms – well, Carrie to her bedroom and me to my basement fiefdom. In the past we would have been crawling into bed, bone tired and lights out in short order: lights out and eye lids lowered.

But now I find myself in my new home, not quite ready to get into bed, looking for any excuse to extend the day. Ah, the computer. Check the e-mails. Shocker, no new ones in the last few hours, but then the fingers start their magic. But first, time to digress. My history with pornography, particularly porn at home, pales next to the stories I hear. Maybe fear of being caught, maybe cheapness, maybe a sex life laden with homo-erotic fantasies: not much to read or watch. And what I did have – well should I watch them while Carrie is trying to sleep or maybe in the den where the children can wander in.

But that was then. I have my space, I have a computer, and this is the age of the internet. So I have found a few places to wander, familiar haunts at this point. Places where I can just view those video trailers or other eye candy and places where there is opportunity, though I am not nearly bold enough to avail myself of such things – not yet. So I look, look at men, look at gay porn, and I touch myself. And I am successful – every time.

So I wonder which is the real me – the one who engages men in such a healthy fashion, the one who still longs for the quiet companionship of my best friend or the one who throws himself into the blue monitor glow of the nights.

It is strange how I need to write these missives in order to see such simple truths. They are all me and the real goal is to integrate these pieces. To find a place where I can be comfortable with Carrie without ….

As I wrote the last sentence, I stopped typing midstream. I stopped because my thoughts had run ahead and when I looked up and saw where they were going, I was taken aback. It was not where I planned, it was not back to the home and hearth I so desire. But it is real, so back to the paragraph.

To find a place where I can be comfortable with Carrie without constantly torturing her on being back together as once was. To find a relationship where my emotional and sexual desires, my need for friendship and my need for lust can be satisfied in the way that once existed so totally in my life.


woe said...

Great post Nate. It kind of sent a chill down my spine. It's sentiment very similar to thoughts and realisations I had for the first time last night. My conclusion was all of them are me and I am merely the sum of those parts.

Anonymous said...

As always Nate, a post so close to the reality I live. The daily life try and not think about that side of who you are... the time to deal with family and then on to the computer to explore the vids, the chat lines and for me the use of a cam. Where is all this going and how much longer can the wife and I continue to live this way. The undertone in the voice these days is beginning to show objection to the life I want.

M from NF

binstatenisland said...

Integrity, living an integrated life? If the pieces fit together for you then I think you can claim integrity. Are you shameful of the moral implications of the internet/porn/masturbation stuff? Don’t be, you may be using it as an escape valve right now. Hey, what do I know I’m just starting my journey.

Paul said...

Who is the real you? I'd say a multi-dimensional man.

Flip said...

Hi Nate,

I certainly identify with your post.

One question a Sybil might ask himself is "Who's in charge?" One of the three, or even a different undescribed personality? Perhaps the problem isn't integrating the personalities so much as leading them all in the same direction. Of course the hard part is finding the leader and the destination. But it does help if you know what the task is.

Just a thought.


Spider said...

Take the three Nates, roll them into one and THAT is the real Nate - will just take time my friend - homeostasis will be reached...

Listen to Woe - he is a VERY SMART MAN!