Monday, March 19, 2007

Two Minute Drill

Maybe this is a post or maybe an e-mail to a friend. I recently sent an e-mail called two minute break though it ended up taking more like fifteen to write and there are so many things in the response, I don’t know where to start and frankly I want to go to bed in fifteen minutes. So here goes – a “two minute” drill, which means no huddle.

In many ways I see an incredibly complicated life in very simple terms. I once said that I want Carrie with a penis. It somehow sounded really gay – wanting the penis, where really it was meant as a complement to all of the ways we are compatible. Yes we have some issues of unnatural dependency, but let’s face it: most of those stem from having the same tastes. While I was a mite Law & Order overdosed by the end, we watched (and still watch) the same TV shows because we like the same shows, we listen to the same music, because we enjoy the same music. Sure, I will rock out on occasion when alone, but our tastes are similar. It is what brought us together originally and is what makes separating so hard today.

Much talk has been given to labels and while I understand the difficulties in trying to over label, the fact is that labels are words and without words, there is no communication. So accepting the limitations, I am a highly sexual being. I enjoy sex with women and enjoy sex with men. Whether it is a deeply ingrained gay side or just a pendulum swinging high after a lifetime of being held in a far position strikes me as almost irrelevant: at this point in my life I am unwilling to give up exploring relationships, including sex, with men.

Would I like it all, the famed CLR (closed loop relationship, a wife and a boyfriend), sure. But that takes two and the fact that Carrie does not want a husband on any side of the gay scale is something I can – I need – to respect. Are we capable of great sex: sure, but that does not change the fact that I have the gay needs.

The hard thing is that Carrie envisions that I will find a man where I can have the same level of compatibility as I have with her. I am not as sanguine about our future. I truly see an honest future which comes with the price of both of us being lonelier than we would have been together. We are both healthier today than we have been – a fact that is hard to ignore.

There is one thing that is also hard to ignore. That the gayness has started to feel comfortable. As I fight it less, as I accept that is who I am more, it feels good and right in some sense. Would it feel as good and right in an apartment without my family, both the kids and Carrie? I don’t honestly know. But I do feel better in my own skin. How does on interpret that my best sex with Carrie has been on days I have had sex with Sam? Maybe Bob is right – Sam is the foreplay but clearly the gay foreplay leaves me on a more receptive, hotter sexual level. So while I look at the great sex with Carrie, isn’t it a statement of the gay side?

I promised a two minute drill and while I would like to go on, my fifteen minutes is up so I will head off the field now.

6 comments:

Paul said...

Well-stated. Simple and understandable.

I'm sure it took you longer than two minutes to write, it took me longer than two minutes just to read.

A Troll At Sea said...

HakaN:

"The hard thing is that Carrie envisions that I will find a man where I can have the same level of compatibility as I have with her. I am not as sanguine about our future. I truly see an honest future which comes with the price of both of us being lonelier than we would have been together."

I've heard that somewhere before...

The scariest thing about leaving is the "knowledge" that I will never find another home like the one I am leaving. (Am leaving? where are my brains? HAVE LEFT!)

But we have to live in hope, or life is hopeless. And who can face that?

T@C

Flip said...

Hi Nate,

What would happen if you called "time out" on searching for fulfillment through your new-found gayness and focus on Carrie and the kids for a year or two? I mean worst case you might miss out on some sex - which it already seems you're not that involved in, and best case you might find what it is you're really looking for.

You seem to be continuing to struggle to find your own personal truth. Perhaps you need to look outside yourself for a change.

Just an idea.

F

Nate said...

Thanks for the comments guys.

Flip - I did mention your comment to Carrie and her response was interesting - "prolonging the inevitable"

flip said...

I guess I was more envisioning your just doing it...not talking about it...and letting your actions speak for themselves.

What did you expect her to say?

I'll duck back into my prairie dog hole now...

Anna said...

Hi, I just wanted to say that my husband (and best friend) came out to me 11 years ago. We divorced, because, like Carrie, I could not envision a gay husband. And we are both still single. Is this better than the companionship we once had? I am not sure. But he wanted to have sex with men, and I have too much self regard to stay in a marriage where he was fooling around. He is now HIV+, by the way, so be very careful.