Thursday, May 24, 2007

Learning How To Live

I am glad to have taken a few days since my last post. For those I left hanging, the rest of the story was pretty simple. I arrived home at 12:30 PM. Carrie had assumed that I would have shown the good taste of an earlier arrival. She was pissed. I was chastened. We have moved on.

Today my therapist made an interesting comment. Now this is my therapist since the fall, no Johnny come lately to the scene. Bob pointed out that he understands Carrie – a person he has never met but has heard much about. But he still does not understand me. The explanation is really quite simple. Carrie understands Carrie and that comes through in my stories. I do not understand Nate. Yes, there are all the pieces, a giant jigsaw puzzle, but I remain unable to create the cohesive picture I desire.

Bob asks what I want and the answer is easy: everything. We do live in the land of “a dollar and a dream”, my state’s lottery tag line. I can dream. Bob comments on wanting the trappings of a family and I disagree: it is not the trappings that torture me. The trappings are nice and I am not complaining, but it is the specifics that torture me. Simply put it is not the thought of not living with a woman and family. It is the thought of not living with Carrie and my children that leave my head spinning.

Carrie and I talk. We do not have any answers; lord knows if we did we would implement them. My therapist suggests that he speak to her therapist. I am happy with the suggestion but point out that Carrie will ask what the purpose is. With a smile he points out that maybe the fact that we both feel to be in purgatory? Works for me. Carrie later agrees, let the therapists talk, let them see if there is a purpose for our meeting together with one of our therapists.

We will never be in the place where we once were and maybe the next step will be from the basement to an apartment. But in spite of the massive damage that I have inflicted, I am just not ready to throw in the towel. Some will tell me to get with the program and move on, others will say keep battling. Personally, the competing voices in my own head have me reeling without the judgments of the rest of the world.

There is one thing I believe tonight: that I need to step back and get some perspective. The answer to the question of what I really want is not going to be found in actions. Actions will tell me I love my wife and that she remains my best friend. Actions will tell me that I am gay and enjoy sex with men. There are many truths in all of this, none of which alone will bring me to my own truth.

Part of stepping back is taking a little rest from these pages which have served me so well. I am sure this is not my last post and we all know the book is far from over. But like any good author, it is time to do my “research”. To continue to restate the same chapter over and over in different ways is getting old for all of us.

To my friends out there, feel free to e-mail: I am not entering a convent. To all, Thank you for being there for the last seventeen months.

They say the best is still yet to come
But the taste of you is still on my tongue.
I can't forget and I won't even try
To erase your image
And the way you made me cry.
I'm learning how to live.
Lucinda Williams


bear said...

Yours has been such a fascinating journey, and unlike the movies, resolution won't happen in some determined short amount of time later, so I imagine it could take quite a while. I do hope for a happy ending here for everyone. As usual, thanks to both of you for sharing, I'm sure to be checking back...

lifescolorfulbrushstrokes said...

Nate...I caught this post after I read you most recent post (6/4/07). While I do not share the commonality with you of having been in a marriage, I do share that of having come to grips with being gay at a very late stage in life. I remember reading your blog for the first time some 6 months after coming to grips with who I was (that road began 26 months ago). You should be proud of where you are at, recognizing at the same time how difficult and painful it has probably been for all involved. At least you have shared who you are with immediate family. My journey still continues in that respect though I know know that two or three of my family suspect that I am gay. But one thing I am proud of and that I recognize at my tender age of 47, is that you must be comfortable with who you are and how you are going to live. In that respect I have made leaps and bounds. In fact I have amazed many of my gay friends in exactly how comfortable I am being who I am. So I know now that sharing any more of who I am with family or others is my choice, and is done at my pace. I have no reason to walk in shame. Yours is no different. Hoping you find more peaceful terrain along your journey...hang in there.