Sunday, June 11, 2006

In but Out

My blog has been receiving more hits than ever of late. While I have a rudimentary counter, I do not use tracking software – you are all safe. It does raise the question of who am I writing for and as the hits mount I feel a strange need to write for those who honor me by actually reading my thoughts.

These thoughts have been around for a while, but a few minutes ago they took on another dimension. An e-mail from a friend telling me of an on-line
article in from Tuesday, June 6th.

The article lists the top bi blogs – I am not sure they are in any order but I weigh in at number four, which considering numbers 2 and 3 have not posted in a while is pretty good. Considering many of your blogs, I do not have a clue why I am on this list and other members of our community are not.

I admit to some mixed emotions – a bit of OMFG coupled with WOW. I feel a need to tell KA – honey I don’t have an STD but…. My narcissism is bursting with pride. My wife has always said that anyone who knows me would immediately connect the dots that litter my blog and of late I have been leaving even more dots – crumbs to find as my therapist would say.

My feeling has always been that if someone I know is trolling bi-sexual / gay blogs and finds me, I am guessing they are not here on a research project. But people love to talk and there is risk here – I am not ready to tell the world this any more than I would go to work and say I had really hot sex with my wife last night.

Only time will tell if I can continue to write without self censoring – I suspect I can. Okay - I know I can - reality has not so much changed as been confirmed: lots of people I do not know click on my blog.

I really had some things on my mind today, but that will be for the next post. It is strange – I am out to four people I know and I am in a strange way now out to the whole world. At work they always tease me I should write a book and I tease back maybe I will – and these are people who have no idea of this aspect of me. If my blog is my book, I now have the quote for the dust jacket.


Ramon Johnson said...

Hi Nate,

Just read your post commenting on the top picks list I published. I just wanted to let you know that it wasn't my intention to make you uncomfortable and I definitely don't expect you to censor or adjust any of your writings. I found your blog (as would anyone else) by simple search, so I assumed your intent was to either journal in the public arena or present a message. Unfortunately, web writing and privacy aren't mutually exclusive.

I have many readers (some open, but most anonymous) in very similar situations as you. I think reading your blog will help them tremendously. If you're not comfortable being listed on my top picks list, please let me know and I will remove the listing. I do hope you'll stay, however, for the benefit of those who feel they have nowhere to turn.

Just so you know, my priorities while researching and finally choosing sites to publish were:

a) Is the content something that my readers in the same or similar situations can learn from.

b) Can this blog in some way enhance the lives of my readers through relation to the author.

c) Visual quality and quality of content.

There is no particular order to my list and there may be other blogs out there that will be added to this ever rotating "best of". If you have any suggestions please feel free to send them my way.

Please accept my apologies for any discomfort my article may have caused.

Ramon Johnson
About Gay Life is part of The New York Times Company

bear said...

My first blog entry stated:
"I want to blog without fear."

So I'm thinking the same thing.
I also fear that people will connect the dots too (especially considering what I have blogged - embarrassing!) But regardless, it was more important to be uncensored and brutally honest.

Your blog has definitely opened my eyes in ways the others haven't and challenged what I thought regarding sexual orientation and identity. The title is accurate. :)

Nate said...

I have recovered from the initial shock - sort of like giving an acceptance speech when never knowing you were up for an award.

Truth be told, I am honored, excited that new people will read my blog and maybe find something in there for them and my no inconsequential ego feels very stroked.

I will continue to write the only way I know how - honestly. And frankly if anyone connects the dots, please let me know - first beer will be on me:)

Bigg said...

I went through this not so long ago, when my site meter told me that someone local to me had been reading my blog. I still don't know who it is, and I've decided I don't care. As long as what I've written in my blog is honest, then I'll stand by it, come what may.

Paul said...

Nate -

I'm not here on a research project. Wait, maybe I am. I know I'm definitely here for camradarie.

I'd say that I don't know you personally. In real life I don't know anyone in this situation.

But I do count you as a friend.