I have spent much time lately considering differences in being bi versus gay. This always strikes me as a “hot button” issue. Straights would look at this and see it in simple terms: “sex with men = gay.” Subtleties are probably not of great interest to them. I am probably even more sensitive to gay people thinking I am using “bi” as a distancing technique. Nothing could be further from the truth which is why I continue to use bi/gay in my writing and self description.
Anyone who has read much of this blog knows that I have spent way too much energy on labels and have gone back and forth between gay / bi / hetero like a pinball. KA would refine the comment I am sure: pinballs are random whereas my swings follow a pattern. Gay Mondays leading to bi midweeks and of course hetero for the weekend, probably with the hope of “getting some.”
But I do feel caught between worlds and cannot help but sense that gay or straight would be preferable to my nether world. There are two relevant measures here – emotional and sexual attractions/ gratifications. Both of these needs are satisfied at home with my wife. Would I enjoy sex with a man on a regular basis? Sure. But not at the price of giving up sex with my wife.
If I am straight, well so much for this blog and my life would not be in careening mode. If gay, there is some small measure in comfort in saying that I desire gratification - emotional or and/or sexual – that I cannot obtain from my wife. Not that life as a married gay would be a cakewalk. Issues of family, friendships and vows would remain but at least the reason for this raging internal dilemma would be clear. For the moment I struggle with feeling selfish, with wants versus needs.
I came out to my niece this week and at the end told her of being upset over turning my life inside out over “a whim.” She looked at me and repeated “a whim”, and it was clear from her tone that she knew that this was not a whim. She was of course right.
And for all who are wondering as the particularly obtuse title for this post, I frequently find myself witnessing OMG and OMFG moments. Time for an OBG (Oh Bi God) instead.