My blog has been quiet this week but my fingers have remained busy. Much of that busyness (God- only one letter between busyness and business) has been in a long series of e-mails with my new sister. (It has struck me that I came out to my biological sister over a week ago and other than an e-mail the next day, things have been silent. My adopted sis, as you will read, would not let me slide that long in these troubled times.)
Sis reads my blog but she also read something else I sent her: an e-mail I wrote to a group of married men out to their wives. In this e-mail I touched upon my confusion but more touched upon my desires relating to other men – a further extension of my last post. It discusses my inability to swear off being with a man ever again and my notable lack of desire to go back for a lunch time quickie. KA tells me that I can have other men and we can share a bed and a life but she draws the line at our making love – an answer I do not want but one that is reasonable. She suggests a whole framework – a new client requiring more frequent overnight trips.
This conversation occurs at night and the next morning I awake scared, confused, and depressed. I have won the “cake” lottery but I no longer have an appetite. That is not to say that the thought of sex with men does not still excite me in a tangible fashion, but it seems that this “fantasy” is not what I had envisioned, or maybe I am just not yet ready.
Sis reads the tale above and is very sweet – a short e-mail with a choice: she can send me the full bitch-slap e-mail or the supporting understanding version. She did not really need to ask – I had sent her the first e-mail as a “reality check” and am ready for the bitch-slap. Sis writes at length, the gist being that just because I can now have attractions to the whole population instead of just half, does not change the rules of monogamy. She writes of a marriage being a whole package – not a sexual receptacle but a partner in so many areas. She reminds me of the gravity of it all; of the importance of not doing more of what cannot be undone while still floundering emotionally. She concludes: “And while she may offer you leeway to figure out whatever you need to figure out, taking advantage of that may not be the best way to honor her faith in you and your marriage.”
I read it all and am honored at the time and love that went into the response. I do not feel bitch-slapped. We exchange a few more e-mails and Sis asks me the question: What do I expect to get out of going to visit Jerry in Chicago. I respond:
What do I want out of my trip. I am not really sure but as I think about it, I do not think it is just a booty call. I have not seen my "semi-anonymous" friend JJ in probably 2 1/2 months - He thinks I'm hot in bed (I think so too but I do have this narcissism thing down pat) and I can e-mail him right now and probably be at the Motel with him tomorrow for lunch. So while I do like the sex with Jerry more, I do not need to fly to Chicago just for the sex. And if I felt that sex with JJ was not quite good enough I still know where to find Craig's List. Whenever I protest not knowing these things, KA is quick to correct me - she says I seem to have done just fine.
So why the trip? I like the man, it allows sex with emotion and we did mesh in bed. It allows me to be "gay" - go to dinner or a bar, though it does not sound so big stated that way. It allows me safety - we will never be more than an occasional thing - we each are very settled in our lives in far away cities.
I guess when it is all stripped away, I am a bi/gay man who is not willing to leave my wife specifically or all that comes with that - a lifestyle, friends, children, etc. Here is a safe situation where after 4 1/2 months break I get to spend 3 or 4 nights with a guy I like. If I see him again it will likely be 8 months after that. If I am bi/gay and willing to supress the physical and emotional desires for 3 or 4 nights two or three times a year - is that asking that much.
Sis reads this and writes:
Okay, now I’m going to slap you. Because I suspected as much. You talk about having safety in your Chicago trip. The way it has been reading on this end, you are using your family as your safety net while you get used to the idea of being gay. That’s not fair to them and unworthy of you. If you want something different, suck it up and make changes but don’t hang on to the lifestyle, friends, children, etc. so you have something to run back to if things don’t work out the way you hope. Yes, you can have a wife, kids, and your male lover on the side. It just might not be THIS wife or THESE kids, and acting like they should be willing to give you what you want because it really isn’t SO much to ask, now is it: that is really selfish. It’s one thing to explore as you try and figure out what you want and what you can live with, knowing at the end that the limbo will be over and you’ll have made a decision one way or another. It’s another thing to ask your wife to tolerate you having a lover for the rest of your lives together or to ask her to hang around while you find someone else just so you can be sure it will work before you take that last step out of the closet.
A thread of close to a dozen e-mails back and forth and finally I feel slapped – the sting that only comes with a heavy dose of truth. My mind is reeling. This “play” has unfolded over two or three days and I am being forced to think, being asked the hard questions in a way that I am not used to but very much need.
It is Thursday now and I am reeling with what feels like a struggle for my soul. I hear everything Sis says and it does slow me down. I do not want to “force” a trip to Chicago now as KA has suggested but I confess to still wanting my weekend there in September – I would like to deny that but lying is not my style.
Thursday night is a Jewish holiday and I had volunteered to make a brief presentation for this night of teaching. I work on my outline – Jubilee of course (what better way to tie in my emotional life, music and religion all in one package). I e-mail with the Troll – the man is smart - and put it all together. That night I spend with 25 others while a few others also taught and things were discussed. It was great intellectual stimulation on topics other than TGT - what a welcome relief. It was also a reminder of ways to grow and interact within my current life.
It was a late night – two in a row as it worked out – but KA is still awake when I get home. This next part is exceedingly difficult to write about because I do have certain privacy boundaries but this is central, totally central to where I find myself at this moment. KA and I lie there - quietly; we touch – gently; we slowly become one. The night had started. We made love as we had not in a long time. We did not need toys or fantasies – our bed was only for two that night. And I have written that the body does not lie; this was no different. My level of excitement – well lets just say I felt twenty years younger and it was a shame this was a work/school night.
So I have spent the last few days considering what occurred. It was a reminder that when discussing being bi the gay side gets a lot of attention, understandably; but I still do have a healthy hetero side. I think there is an allure to the gay besides the obvious of having been denied it for so long. It is the fact that the bi is still a strange nether world that people just do not really get. To the hetero world if you suck a dick or have ass play - you are gay: so after a while why fight it especially being fighting it makes you sound like you are ashamed of gayness - the self hatred that is so real and I am now willing to reject.
So I do not consider my struggles over - even I am not silly enough to go back to being "cured" or in "remission" but this sure is a nice way to go into a weekend for a change.