Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Shifitng Sands

I have been reading various blogs and continue to be amazed at our parallel existences – sort of a gay/bi male variant of sorority sisters being on the same menstrual cycle (I know – a strange stretch even for me). I am captivated by our struggle to deny part of who we are - gay/bi - in order to embrace our loves for our wives and family. A valiant struggle but fighting one's nature is ultimately the only unnatural part of this.

Last night KA and I again touched on the topic of my friend Jerry in Chicago. We were only together once, but the more accurate (and alluring) description for him would by my gay lover in Chicago. In strange passing moments KA has said maybe I will need to see him again – get it out of my system or maybe a tune-up to keep the home life on track. Last night it became reality based. KA again tossed out the concept of taking a weekend, a visit to Jerry. Usually I am noncommittal but last night I agreed – a little too quickly, a little too eagerly. We turned over, our separate ways and went to bed. Truth be told I was happy to turn away – less chance for her to notice my physical excitement.

This morning we spoke and she noted my willingness to accept the idea. She tells me she suspected I was affected when we discussed it – my blushing and inability to keep a straight face – yes I involuntarily grinned – was as much proof as she would have gotten by reaching down with her hand last night.

We each had the same thought with different words. I had been considering this was a tectonic shift. She just saw it as shifting sands – a more gentle female approach I suppose.

My therapist and I talk about it – he reminds me the train has left the station. I consider if broaching the trip in such a real way is this difficult emotionally, what happens when I leave for the airport, when I return from the weekend?
“How was your weekend Nate – did you have lots of sex, enjoy the bars. How is Jerry doing?” My mind reels from the thought of the moment.

Her therapist talks of accommodations – no longer a marriage, a compromise. It terrifies me and is not where I want to go

Yet knowing all this I can tell you that American has plenty of flights - $183 round trip. I can continue to try to lie to KA and to myself. But we both can see the lie, feel the lie and when she said I could go - my body did not lie.

I am tired tonight – too social a weekend and I did spend Saturday night coming out to my best friend of thirty-five years and his wife. It went well – he reminds me he would be my friend even if I announced I was a Martian. But it is stressful all the same. (He does have a sense of humor and asks with a smile why I never hit on him – wasn’t he good looking?)

The bottom line to me is that the playing field has changed and can never be what it was. Can I stay with my wife and love her and my family. Absolutely: if she will stay with me. But we will never be where we were. Maybe we will be in the better place that some write of (I originally typed “right” – where is Freud when you need him), but I see now that there is no longer going back. Three months ago I jotted down a title for a post: Can I Go Home Now. The answer is clear: no. And that does not bring any smile to my face or soul.

9 comments:

Brad said...

But, had you never broached this subject with your wife, your soul-mate, ultimately what kind of relationship would you have?

Take it really easy, kiddo. This doesn't have to be all or nothing.

B.

Frank said...

Wise words from Brad....

Nate, no one is holding a gun to your head... No life altering decisions have to be made now. Life isn't black or white....remember...there are many shades of gray in between.

One step at a time...slowly...gingerly.

Ian said...

"The bottom line to me is that the playing field has changed and can never be what it was. Can I stay with my wife and love her and my family. Absolutely: if she will stay with me. But we will never be where we were."

I am reminded of lyrics to a country song (I know, what doesn't make me think of a country song anymore!)

Twenty years have came and went since I walked out of your door
I never quite made it back to the one I was before
And God it hurts me to think of you
For the light in your eyes was gone
Sometimes I don't know why this old world can't leave well enough alone

The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time

A Troll At Sea said...

Nate:

Yes, the "synchronicity" seems a bit much at times, but what gives me hope is that in spite of the ups and DOWNS, we are all still hanging on.

It's not just the easy way out.
Some of it has to mean something.

Rough day here.
the
Troll

bear said...

Synchronicity: yeah,I've noticed a lot between you guys, I suspect there will be slight divergence
once each starts walking down his own paths.

Trip: amazing...will it really "get it out of your system" - because you feel it's "just a phase"... AND/OR Is it to explore the emotional connection you had further?

Friends outing: phew, sounds like you're having a pretty good experience so far. I think you get a gut feeling on who can take it and who cannot. I love his comment...too funny.

Sadness: it's a side-effect of change. Whenever something changes it's previous self is lost, that honestly wasn't "bad." The question - is it for better?

Tony said...

Nate...

We are each making our own moves here. I agree with Frank, take it slowly. I know I am.

Paul said...

Nate,

I honestly think that Jerry was an affair. Nothing more. And yes, affairs are emotional. But rarely lasting.

One question .... assume that you had never outed yourself to K (an action which I realize that you can no longer take back) .... would you at this time wish to remain married?

Nate said...

Paul-
Jerry is an affair - not the love of my life - but a friend with benefits if you would - not a bad thing.

And to your questions - I love my wife deeply and would hope the end of the story is with us married together.

Anonymous said...

Where did you find it? Interesting read » »