I have been reading various blogs and continue to be amazed at our parallel existences – sort of a gay/bi male variant of sorority sisters being on the same menstrual cycle (I know – a strange stretch even for me). I am captivated by our struggle to deny part of who we are - gay/bi - in order to embrace our loves for our wives and family. A valiant struggle but fighting one's nature is ultimately the only unnatural part of this.
Last night KA and I again touched on the topic of my friend Jerry in Chicago. We were only together once, but the more accurate (and alluring) description for him would by my gay lover in Chicago. In strange passing moments KA has said maybe I will need to see him again – get it out of my system or maybe a tune-up to keep the home life on track. Last night it became reality based. KA again tossed out the concept of taking a weekend, a visit to Jerry. Usually I am noncommittal but last night I agreed – a little too quickly, a little too eagerly. We turned over, our separate ways and went to bed. Truth be told I was happy to turn away – less chance for her to notice my physical excitement.
This morning we spoke and she noted my willingness to accept the idea. She tells me she suspected I was affected when we discussed it – my blushing and inability to keep a straight face – yes I involuntarily grinned – was as much proof as she would have gotten by reaching down with her hand last night.
We each had the same thought with different words. I had been considering this was a tectonic shift. She just saw it as shifting sands – a more gentle female approach I suppose.
My therapist and I talk about it – he reminds me the train has left the station. I consider if broaching the trip in such a real way is this difficult emotionally, what happens when I leave for the airport, when I return from the weekend? “How was your weekend Nate – did you have lots of sex, enjoy the bars. How is Jerry doing?” My mind reels from the thought of the moment.
Her therapist talks of accommodations – no longer a marriage, a compromise. It terrifies me and is not where I want to go
Yet knowing all this I can tell you that American has plenty of flights - $183 round trip. I can continue to try to lie to KA and to myself. But we both can see the lie, feel the lie and when she said I could go - my body did not lie.
I am tired tonight – too social a weekend and I did spend Saturday night coming out to my best friend of thirty-five years and his wife. It went well – he reminds me he would be my friend even if I announced I was a Martian. But it is stressful all the same. (He does have a sense of humor and asks with a smile why I never hit on him – wasn’t he good looking?)
The bottom line to me is that the playing field has changed and can never be what it was. Can I stay with my wife and love her and my family. Absolutely: if she will stay with me. But we will never be where we were. Maybe we will be in the better place that some write of (I originally typed “right” – where is Freud when you need him), but I see now that there is no longer going back. Three months ago I jotted down a title for a post: Can I Go Home Now. The answer is clear: no. And that does not bring any smile to my face or soul.