After KA yesterday, any thing I post feels lightweight – not worthy of all she said. I will write on those topics, on my feelings towards her and the chord she struck with many of you, just not today.
Last night we had a low point, an incredibly insensitive comment on my part and probably a bit of overreaction on hers. She mentioned she had written something for me but I did not read it until the morning. I woke early startled by a dream:
We are living on the first floor of the house – the kitchen it seems - and going to bed early. I have closed the lights and the doorbell rings. My glasses are off and I ask who it is and hear “Tom”. Not knowing who that is I get my glasses and walk back towards the door turning on a light and ask again; the person says Tom S – my therapist. I open the door and while the person looks more like a merry prankster (of Ken Kesey fame) than my therapist, it is, in the strange land of dreams, clearly him.
There are a large number of people on the street with him, running and playing- a wide range of ages including lots of kids. I assume they are his patients, families, etc. KA is with me now watching with an air of accepting but not embracing. I am not sure I thought it as much felt it, but I was being outed on my own block. This party was floating past my house.
We watch for a moment and then stay in the house. I have trouble closing the doors – we have double front doors and usually the right side is fixed but tonight the left side is not closing and I need to close that first with the sliding bolts that make that side fixed. I see the kids starting to scatter and we go back to bed which is in the kitchen. It had been pitch dark at the beginning of the dream but know there is ambient light – significant amounts – coming through a skylight. KA is ready to do something else (not sure what) but I am ready for bed.
I wake and write.
Then I read KA’s letter to me – the post. I suspect the dream would not have been the same had I read her letter the night before.