Saturday 10:00 PM
I have written much today for much has happened. This of course will make little sense to one who has not read Sixteen Years and Further Thoughts. KA and I spent the day together, we talked, and we did family things, took a beautiful drive and made love in the fullest sense.
We had been ignoring the only advice my therapist had left me with. Instead of just being, letting things percolate, our lives had become a rush to decisions. This is not the time to rush. We both understand that we will never have an “open” marriage – share a bed while I have a boyfriend. Such things may work in this world, but not for us. We both understand that this is not a question of choosing or not choosing a “gay” lifestyle – one with a man as my partner. It is a question of choosing a “gay” lifestyle or choosing my wife – a person with whom I have the deepest, deepest of bonds: bonds of friendship, bonds of love, bonds of family and children.
These are not matters to take likely. We made a commitment today to take a step back. I will not be with another man in the immediate future and will leave my blogging at work. We will try to be here for and with each other. We know there are no easy answers – there is this underlying issue that one of you calls TGT – the gay thing.
We know that at the end we may find ourselves as best friends trying to make the best of it all for our family and us. But there is too much good here to walk away without giving it the best chance. Change there will be, there must be, but the nature of the change: that is the challenge.
But Eden is burning,
Either brace yourself for elimination
Or else your hearts must have the courage
For the changing of the guards
Bob Dylan
I will take a little time till my next post – a personal retreat of sorts. There are no words to express how much the support and love I have found here means to me. Thanks to all. I will be back, but for the moment need to be home while I still have one.
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3 comments:
Nate...
I find myself at as loss for words. I can only begin to fathom a miniscule portion of the pain that both you and your wife are experiencing. I stand here at 46 still single much because I never felt quite right around any of the ladies I dated. I always told myself that I would never marry a woman, until I understood what I was feeling and assuming it did not translate to being gay. Well, today, my feelings say otherwise.
I know now I was lucky that I made that commitment to myself as painful and as lonely as my journey has been at times. Now I am faced with other decisions as I attempt to move forward as a gay man.
I hope you find your answers and I hope you will come back to blog about them when you are ready.
Thank you!
This is a lot of posts! You've definitely made it a long way to understanding yourself, bringing your wife along for the ride (rather unwillingly.) The truth has brought you two to another level I think. You've exposed yourself to her completely, (some accidentally!) I'm completely amazed how understanding she is. This only shows to me how lucky you are to have her. I also think in her heart she KNOWS you love her, and she completely trusts you, so is not afraid of the truth or willing to run away from this situation but work through it with you. Many would be truly envious.
It makes sense to take your time now...there is no rush. It's like a calm after the storm, a time to take a breather and relax for now that the seas are calm. Gather up your energy, reflect on the journey thus far, bask in the sun...a long deserved break.
Thanks for sharing Nate, and providing your insightful comments too. Hurry back... or not! :)
Nate:
You have reached a great truth in this journey.
No one is forcing you to make any life changing decisions at this moment. Rather than living in the black and white that society expects us to make....the either or's...the yes' the no's...the right's the wrongs.... those of us on this journey know all too well the land in the shades of grays. We've learned that between black and white there are 256 shades of grays. Each of us must find that path that meets us best.
It's not easy. There are few role models. But you are very wise to take time out to figure the next baby step along the path.
Hurry back in your own time dear friend. We're pulling for you. You're in our thoughts and our prayers.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
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