Saturday 10:00 PM
I have written much today for much has happened. This of course will make little sense to one who has not read Sixteen Years and Further Thoughts. KA and I spent the day together, we talked, and we did family things, took a beautiful drive and made love in the fullest sense.
We had been ignoring the only advice my therapist had left me with. Instead of just being, letting things percolate, our lives had become a rush to decisions. This is not the time to rush. We both understand that we will never have an “open” marriage – share a bed while I have a boyfriend. Such things may work in this world, but not for us. We both understand that this is not a question of choosing or not choosing a “gay” lifestyle – one with a man as my partner. It is a question of choosing a “gay” lifestyle or choosing my wife – a person with whom I have the deepest, deepest of bonds: bonds of friendship, bonds of love, bonds of family and children.
These are not matters to take likely. We made a commitment today to take a step back. I will not be with another man in the immediate future and will leave my blogging at work. We will try to be here for and with each other. We know there are no easy answers – there is this underlying issue that one of you calls TGT – the gay thing.
We know that at the end we may find ourselves as best friends trying to make the best of it all for our family and us. But there is too much good here to walk away without giving it the best chance. Change there will be, there must be, but the nature of the change: that is the challenge.
But Eden is burning,
Either brace yourself for elimination
Or else your hearts must have the courage
For the changing of the guards
I will take a little time till my next post – a personal retreat of sorts. There are no words to express how much the support and love I have found here means to me. Thanks to all. I will be back, but for the moment need to be home while I still have one.