Monday, May 08, 2006

Accede To Reality

I have long used the phrase “accede to reality” - a simpler way of saying reality will always win; however I seem to have lost sight of it on my journey or maybe there were too many realities competing. Today reality stood up and hit me square on.

I wrote yesterday’s post at home, saved while I worked and of course password protected. After writing the post I continued on with what was going to be today’s post, the happier side of Chicago. KA was going to read my letter this morning, not that I had not already told her all, and I left the original for her in our bedroom. While on the computer she sees a Word file – 35,000 Feet - and realizes this is the transcribed letter: why waste time wading through my difficult hand writing. The file has a password that I once told her – an act of faith that I shared it and an act of faith that she did not use it.

But this was different: she was not reading my private files; she was reading the letter to her, one I told her to read. She opens the file and reads the letter, presumably painful enough even with having heard it all. Then there is more on the page, a post titled fifteen hours. She reads this:

Fifteen Hours
As one would expect in a blog world of gay/bi men, no small number of whom are married, relationships and sex are unavoidable topics. I have been a distinct minority – one whose relationships with men all would qualify as anonymous or semi-anonymous. The closest to a relationship had been another “MWM” where we had “lunch” (and a “breakfast” or two) half a dozen times. We spoke in some vagaries but never shared as much as a glass of water. My gay/bi definition was based solely on these sexual encounters and my fantasies – a strangeness noted by more than a few of you over the last few months.

I have discussed the emptiness of my Thursday date and touched on my Friday in my last post. The thing is that Friday deserves more than a passing reference. For ease my wife has named him Joe and that works fine: the fact that KA has given him a name just adds to the Dali-esque state of my life.

Joe and I spent a week e-mailing. From the first exchange there was a connection – something that cannot be explained but one just accepts. When I did not hear from him for a day I never said another CL encounter: I knew the next e-mail would come and we both knew we would meet.

Meet we did. A glass of wine, talking of our lives, fun, and dinner in a local place. At one point in our e-mails we had talked of just ordering in dinner and when I wrote back maybe we should go out, he knew – part of the evening was being in public. After dinner we went to a gay bar – not for long but for the first time I was not (as my therapist calls it) doing the walk. I had a guy and we could touch and dance and throw in a kiss.

We had more fun and slept - half me spooning him and half him spooning me. There was not much time in the morning – a conference to attend – but enough for a cup of coffee, more aimless, comfortable talk.

So for the first time I understand a little of what many have tried to tell me. So many good things come from having that real connection, not the least being the most incredible gay sexual experience of my life.

Of course the good news is he lives a thousand miles away and the bad news, yes he lives a thousand miles away. We will keep in touch – we have become friends – and at some point I will have another weekend with him, but Chicago is a thousand miles away.

As I wrote Joe earlier:
At this point I am happy back home in my shell. I know that if I go on CL, and I am strangely not motivated to do that now, I will get hundreds of "Thursdays" before my "Friday" comes and I do not have the strength for hundreds of dances while still being here.

I have often written that the body does not lie and Friday it spoke loud and clear. And it was good.


She read it, all of it. I called to check in, a typical late morning call and she told me. She is in shock and I am beaten. Only two hours till my therapist; how fortuitous. You must realize the day started alright – I must have driven a mile before a song reduced me to weeping –
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah


I do not remember all I wrote and I open the file – I had e-mailed it to work – and I re-read it. The horror. But there is also the knowledge that there is nothing there that I can disclaim and maybe it is better. Lies come in many ways; for me they are lies of self denial. Anyone reading the post can see where I am and I cannot deny it no matter how much I want to.

I suppose some are wondering where am I typing, where am I sleeping. KA thought about this today I am sure but she would not allow my transgressions to harm the children, our family. There is a reason she is my best friend and I do love her fiercely. The basement is far away, not part of our world as the children sleep and wake. We will share a bed but the exercise machine in the office – the old extra bedroom on the second floor will need a new home. A couch will be bought this weekend – one comfortable for sleeping on nights when the need arises. The children will notice an occasional sleeping person but it is just that pesky snoring.

When I started with my therapist I told him of the joys of therapy when not in crisis – an opportunity for real work. I thought to myself after a few sessions, what type of therapist doesn’t have tissue boxes. It seems I started in therapy as an intellectual game, a way of assuaging my guilt and my wife’s fear. The tissue boxes were there all along – it just took until today to find them. I am empty – nothing to write, nothing to give.

9 comments:

Marlan said...

Welcome to the world I lived about 5 years ago, when I was forced by my actions and her will to accept who I am.

woe said...

Nate, I cannot even begin to understnad where your emotions are right now. My thoughts are with you.

bear said...

Your letter shows a missing piece
and there's a lot going on here.

I wish I could help wipe those tears
but I know you have to let these tears flow
it's all unraveling and has become undone
there's not much you can do except
to keep it together as best you can

I find it strange
how such a simple honest mistake
often uncovers a hidden truth

suddenly revealed from it's covering
left inevitably exposed
as if by some fate's
invisible guiding hand

so soon covered again in tears
so clear and transparent now
soaking in sorrow
but drying away over time

A Troll At Sea said...

Nate:

What can I say? I think that Crossing the Bridge is something we all have to do, and it goes without saying that it cannot be pretty. You cannot make a real "connection" outside your marriage without leaving your wife feeling as though you had, well, left her. Physical presence is immaterial [I can't believe I just wrote that...]

I have found that even maintaining the lowest possible level of openness has caused hurt I could not [though probably should have] imagined. But knowing that someone could read your blog at any moment forces some "openness" that might have slipped by otherwise, and THAT openness can be devastating.

I would describe what has happened to you as "the second shoe dropping". However much we thought we could avoid it, I believe it lay/lies ahead for ALL of us.

The only good thing in all this sorry mess is that there is no third shoe.

Take care of yourself.
And for G-D's sake,
stay in touch.

yr
very tender
troll

Tony said...

Nate...

At a whim, I clicked on your name at Spider's blog site.

I can only imagine what you are experiecing these days. But some of that path is similar to mine. While I am not married, my path has been 'coming out'(to myself so far) so late in life. Only last Aril '05 at 45yrs of age. My journey is still on-going. I am weighing elements about disclosure to family. My mother I believe already knows and has asked me outright. But my answer at the time was "I don't know." It's obvious she knows it has been weighing on my mind and that there have been elements to suggest it. Alas, I gave her the answer that I did because I hadn't really gotten a read on how my six other sibling would handle this. Perhaps some of it was that I was not ready either though I am comfortable with myself.

It's nice to konw there is support in some manner here, even if it is of a virtual state. Hell, I have already met many other gay bloggers in person and several are dear friends.

Think your blog is providing an outlet much like mine, which I only began a week or so ago.

Hang in there!!!

Nate said...

Again thanks to all
MARLAN - I know your name from comments in this world and the phrasing did catch my ear. If at some point you would like to comment or e-mail I am curious - Are you divorced, have a partner - guess really the question is did it work out and are you in a better place.
Thanks
Nate

Frank said...

Nate...

I understand what you're going through because I've been living a version of it for the past 11 months. In my case it's funny, because I thought I was being so noble by being honest with my wife about what was going on. She gave me every indication that she was processing things very well. But, she wasn't. And at one point it all exploded in one huge conflagration that neither of us has quite recovered from. In my life now there is a very profound sadness....and terror from the fact that I am a gay man.... I honestly do not know what it means for me...or my future. I'm just hanging on for dear life.

All I can say dear friend is to keep hanging on.... Although painful, all of us are making our way along the right path..although the way isn't always clear.

Bigg said...

I hope that things are settling down a bit for you.
You are in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Nate--
I've been going through a very similar situation as you but the only difference is that I am younger and so are my kids.
While I'm not religious by any means, I am a big believer in the saying "things happen for a reason". I'm sure life will get easier, no matter what the final outcome, as it has for me.
At the end of the day, it has all to do about living with integrity and integrating all of "who Nate is" into one happy and healthy human being.

All the best!