Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Can I Go Home Now

Six months ago I started this Blog. In the relatively brief amount of time that has ensued I have bared my soul, learned much about who I am, and made new friends, both casual and much, much more. I have learned of and from a world that I am part of and no longer feel the need to deny to myself. I have gotten the courage to share who I am with some family and friends –even if they still do not understand my need to share, the value of validation.

I have frequently started with a title and then found the post. One title never was used – I wrote a note on my desk back in March or April – the post-it is still there under the other debris. I did not write the post because it felt silly – Why ask if one can go home when one feels that they cannot. Today I have considered this title. It fits in with a theme of this week – a theme with KA and with my (soon to be former) therapist: Foundations. KA has pointed out that we will live in a different home based on what has gone down, on who I am. It may be a home together; it may be as lovers or maybe as friends: it will be changed. My therapist and I debate this – he thinks of it as adding on a room; I see foundations starting to crumble.

In case anyone is wondering (I have vacillated enough) – I am bisexual; I am married. My relationships with men are sexually based. I appreciate that this is not the healthiest model, but I am not looking for a boyfriend –an emotional partner. Not now. I have a wife which is, or should be, enough for one man. I have no desire to build a new life but I am also no longer willing to deny my gay sexual desires.

I have spent much time feeling guilt of sorts over not wanting to find a male emotional partner – guilt over appearing so shallow. The thing is that I am not opposed to such a thing. If I found myself single tomorrow I would consider a relationship with a man. But I am not single and I am not so unhappy that I desire being single.

One thing has become clear to me. The continuation of this Blog is causing more damage to my marriage – to my life – then the occasional foray with a man ever did. Hooking up is easy – I do not have Cialis style sessions: give me a lunch hour and I am fine. The Blogging – well between thinking and writing and waiting for comments (yes, I am also a comment whore) that would be time consuming enough.

But there is another aspect. It is the submersion into a culture. I have no issues with the culture – I am bi/gay after all. But the undeniable fact is that everything becomes colored by it. I love the members of this club I have come to know via comments and e-mails. I do not mind the common bond: in fact I have come to crave it and look forward to continued communication with this - my - new world. It’s just that I have been unsuccessful in right sizing.

There is much work for me to do in my life – personal and work – and then a vacation coming up: a vacation for my family. Already KA and I are talking: Am I bringing a laptop, how will I do without my Blog, will I just write to post when I get home. The answer is I may bring the laptop and may try writing a journal. This started as a journal for me and while I still claim that, it is disingenuous at best.

Maybe I would feel differently if I wrote of politics and sunsets, of the little things that make each day special for me. Maybe I would feel differently if I was writing as me and not as my alter-ego Nate. Maybe.

But the joy of this Blog to me and to you is my willingness to lay it all out – the heights of my happiness and more often the depths of my soul. I come as close as one can to writing without a filter. It makes for great writing – good theatre if you would.

To put it into perspective, I looked at recent visitors on StatCounter today. There was a hit from a Google search – something about Buddy Booths. The location was Beirut – Fucking Beirut. There is a war going on, bombs dropping, people dying. There are people lining up to escape on “aging” cruise ships. And this person is sitting there Googling Buddy Booths. Maybe I should say how nice that life goes on. But all I can think is OMFG – there is a war – Helloooooo.

Maybe I am a victim of my own success – the Google searches that bring my Blog to the top of the list are appalling. I think my personal favorite was the search “sucking a dildo”: that’s one to share with the lunch crew. It makes me feel much more public than I ever intended.

The thing is that I need to go home now – to a changed home albeit – but home all the same. I cannot predict where my life will go. There has been damage done and I am not ready to wait another decade to be with a man again. Don’t ask, don’t tell: I do not know if it works or what other compromises we may need to forge. Given an ultimatum I know not what my answer would be.

I do know that it is no longer fair to KA and to our marriage to live on a stage.

The gratitude and emotions I feel to those who have shared this journey with me are overwhelming. When this is in final form and I hit the Post button, the tears will surely flow. I will not be deleting this blog – that would be to deny it, something I would never do. But it is time to move on, for now.


Don’t be surprised when my writing returns, expect to see a comment here or there, and (to borrow a phrase) keep me in your hearts.

Thanks to all of you, from my heart and my soul.


19 comments:

Paul said...

That was graceful. And, understood.

Brad said...

I wish the best for you, KA and your family. You will be missed, dearly. But my sentiments were stated exactly by Paul. Graceful (I expected nothing less) and understood. Completely.

Godspeed, Nate.

Flip said...

All I can add to what Paul and Brad have said is you may be gone but you will never be forgotten.

Thanks for all you have taught me. And don't be a complete stranger. Please. Unless you have to.

Flip

rainman said...

Take care, enjoy your upcoming holiday Nate and I hope all goes well.

Colin

Frank said...

I shall miss you.... Stay safe....stay well.....and if you need us, we'll all be here.

brian said...

Ciao for now.

Raven in NYC (aka Mark) said...

I cannot even begin to say how much I completely agree with you on this one, especially the submersion into a culture that colors everything in your life. Sometiems it's too much. Maybe it's how I've always been, but getting so involved in it all only makes it more prevalent.

My life in the last 2-3 week has been on overdrive with too many "big thigns" from work and general life. I'm starting to think I need to do exactly what you are doing. That it ultimately might be the healthiest and best thing for me to take a step back and refocus things. I don't know, but this post is making me think it's truly what I need to do.

Don't be a stranger. You certainly know how to find me, and well we have friends in common from all of this.

Dane said...

peace be with you, and happiness

Spider said...

Wishing you nothing but the best - for you and your family... stop by when you get a chance - you will be missed!

Tony said...

I echo so many of the sentiments that have been expressed thus far. I know your journey as I am travelling it in some respects right now. I am glad to have stumbled onnto your blog and will miss popping in to see how you have been doing. The best to you, KA, and your family. I hope you find the balance and peace that you desire. Hope to see that occasional post.

bear said...

Thanks so much and for writing this blog (and not deleting it too.) It is sad, but I suspect many of us will all one day look at our own blog and think the very same thing: "Can I go home now?"
You will be missed. (I'm finding that I'm starting to miss a lot of blogs lately!) Again, thank you and KA so much for sharing this part of your lives. I have learned ALOT from your blog and our discussions. I wish you the best and hope you and your family find your peace and happiness.

Drew said...

I think you are making the right choice. When the purpose of the blog changes from constructive to destructive, it is time to move on.

Good luck, Nate, with sorting everything out. My best to you, KA, and your family.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing and providing insight. It's amazing how "strangers" can make an impact on one's life.

The best to you and your family. I DO hope we hear from you one day...

kittycatlane said...

Hi, I'm not sure how I came across your blog, but I've been reading.
I would like to give you an opinion from a wife and mother's point of view.
Number 1, bi/gay/or hetero, doesn't matter. What does matter is that when you are part of a marriage you vow to love and be faithful. You changed the rules half way during the game. How fair is that? It wouldn't matter if you had wanted 'just sex' with women or aliens from Mars, bottom line is, you have been unfaithful, and you want to continue to do so, and you want her to accept that.
She must be going through so much pain and anguish, and because she loves you (which believe me won't last) she is trying, along with you to save her marriage. It's what she knows, it's what she had planned on all those years ago.
IF you had told here your bi tendencies, or even that you wanted to have affairs while you were married, before you got married, she would not have married you.
How would you have felt if she came to you and said, I love you, BUT, I want to have sex with other Men... it' won't really mean anything, and you can stick around, we'll still have sex, but, this is what I'm going to do. You have no say really.
You should make a choice, and let her have a life with someone who will love and want only her.
When someone you loves keeps hurting you over and over, it kills love. It kills tender feelings that are between you. It takes time, but it happens.
If you really love someone, you don't hurt them.
If you really need to be unfaithful, and explore that side of you. You should do it on your own. If you don't, she will begin to resent you.
I've been there, as have many other's that I'm friends with.
Who knows you may be lucky enough that she comes to terms with a cheating husband. Most don't. Some who do, have taken lovers themselves. In your case I don't recommend sharing them. lol
I hope this comes across with some kindness. I know how much she's hurting and I had to speak up for her, for her heart. BIG HUGS, Steph

kittycatlane said...

OH, a PS, PLEASE, PLEASE, use protection and don't bring an STD home to destroy her life.

Nate said...

Ah, the twists.

Prior to the last comment, it ws all planned:

Thanks guys and remember - us aging "rockers" all have mulitple farewll tours.

Then of course Kitty came along and all I can say is what a fitting coda to it all. A reminder of all that remains on the road ahead.

Thanks to all - it is all appreciated and cherished.

A Troll At Sea said...

Nate:

How I wish I could have made your decision.

Well, thereby hangs a tale.

Yr
Troll

SD said...

I'd like to add my opinion to the mix, if you don't mind. While she does have some valid points, to me, Kitty is a little one-dimensional in her views. I won't argue the validity of her feelings (nor will I argue anyone else's) because neither of us can speak for the entire female species, only ourselves.

When you enter into a partnership with someone, whether it be marriage or just a loving and intimate relationship, there are undoubtedly going to be promises made to one another (as Kitty points out, those are typically to love and be faithful), but just as those promises are undoubtedly going to be made, some of them are undoubtedly going to be broken because none of us--men or women, straight, gay or bi (oh, how I detest labels)--are perfect, we're all subject to human frailties. The utmost important thing, in my opinion, is that when a promise you've made is broken, you treat your partner with the love and respect that they deserve, as long as you're honest and open about what you've done and how you feel, you'll be able to start working together to get to a place that's comfortable for the both of you. And that place may not be "ideal", it may not be what you want, it may hurt like hell once you get there, but as long as you maintain love, respect and honesty, you will get there.

It is unrealistic to expect any person not to undergo some kind of change in themselves, in their feelings, etc. during a relationship. Hell, I'm not the same woman today that I was seven years ago when I stood up in front of family and friends and took my vows. Your changes are different than mine, you're struggling with your sexual orientation, which is a very confusing and difficult thing, but to repress your feelings would be just as unfair to you as Kitty insinuates you're being to KA. And sure, in a perfect world, you'd have told KA about all of this before you took your vows and given her the choice to opt out, but it isn't a perfect world.

I don't doubt she's going through pain and anguish, she wouldn't be human if she wasn't, but to say that her love for you won't last is more than a bit presumptuous. Love can be a miraculous thing and you never know what it may be ale to overcome.

I rarely step out from my comfortable spot in the land of lurkdom, but I felt the need because I think what Kitty failed to realize when she left her "opinion" is that her feelings are not KA's and KA's are not hers, just as mine are probably going to be different than the both of them, that's the wonder of the human psyche, we're all vastly unique.

So I'll end this by saying, I wish you, your KA and your family all my love, joy and hope.

Drey said...

Darn, another blog goes away just as I'm getting started. What impresses me as much as your excellent writing is the warmth of the comments. Every day I believe a little more that this community is more loving and tolerant than any other I have known. Please stick around and leave bits of wisdom and experience here and there.