Six months ago I started this Blog. In the relatively brief amount of time that has ensued I have bared my soul, learned much about who I am, and made new friends, both casual and much, much more. I have learned of and from a world that I am part of and no longer feel the need to deny to myself. I have gotten the courage to share who I am with some family and friends –even if they still do not understand my need to share, the value of validation.
I have frequently started with a title and then found the post. One title never was used – I wrote a note on my desk back in March or April – the post-it is still there under the other debris. I did not write the post because it felt silly – Why ask if one can go home when one feels that they cannot. Today I have considered this title. It fits in with a theme of this week – a theme with KA and with my (soon to be former) therapist: Foundations. KA has pointed out that we will live in a different home based on what has gone down, on who I am. It may be a home together; it may be as lovers or maybe as friends: it will be changed. My therapist and I debate this – he thinks of it as adding on a room; I see foundations starting to crumble.
In case anyone is wondering (I have vacillated enough) – I am bisexual; I am married. My relationships with men are sexually based. I appreciate that this is not the healthiest model, but I am not looking for a boyfriend –an emotional partner. Not now. I have a wife which is, or should be, enough for one man. I have no desire to build a new life but I am also no longer willing to deny my gay sexual desires.
I have spent much time feeling guilt of sorts over not wanting to find a male emotional partner – guilt over appearing so shallow. The thing is that I am not opposed to such a thing. If I found myself single tomorrow I would consider a relationship with a man. But I am not single and I am not so unhappy that I desire being single.
One thing has become clear to me. The continuation of this Blog is causing more damage to my marriage – to my life – then the occasional foray with a man ever did. Hooking up is easy – I do not have Cialis style sessions: give me a lunch hour and I am fine. The Blogging – well between thinking and writing and waiting for comments (yes, I am also a comment whore) that would be time consuming enough.
But there is another aspect. It is the submersion into a culture. I have no issues with the culture – I am bi/gay after all. But the undeniable fact is that everything becomes colored by it. I love the members of this club I have come to know via comments and e-mails. I do not mind the common bond: in fact I have come to crave it and look forward to continued communication with this - my - new world. It’s just that I have been unsuccessful in right sizing.
There is much work for me to do in my life – personal and work – and then a vacation coming up: a vacation for my family. Already KA and I are talking: Am I bringing a laptop, how will I do without my Blog, will I just write to post when I get home. The answer is I may bring the laptop and may try writing a journal. This started as a journal for me and while I still claim that, it is disingenuous at best.
Maybe I would feel differently if I wrote of politics and sunsets, of the little things that make each day special for me. Maybe I would feel differently if I was writing as me and not as my alter-ego Nate. Maybe.
But the joy of this Blog to me and to you is my willingness to lay it all out – the heights of my happiness and more often the depths of my soul. I come as close as one can to writing without a filter. It makes for great writing – good theatre if you would.
To put it into perspective, I looked at recent visitors on StatCounter today. There was a hit from a Google search – something about Buddy Booths. The location was Beirut – Fucking Beirut. There is a war going on, bombs dropping, people dying. There are people lining up to escape on “aging” cruise ships. And this person is sitting there Googling Buddy Booths. Maybe I should say how nice that life goes on. But all I can think is OMFG – there is a war – Helloooooo.
Maybe I am a victim of my own success – the Google searches that bring my Blog to the top of the list are appalling. I think my personal favorite was the search “sucking a dildo”: that’s one to share with the lunch crew. It makes me feel much more public than I ever intended.
The thing is that I need to go home now – to a changed home albeit – but home all the same. I cannot predict where my life will go. There has been damage done and I am not ready to wait another decade to be with a man again. Don’t ask, don’t tell: I do not know if it works or what other compromises we may need to forge. Given an ultimatum I know not what my answer would be.
I do know that it is no longer fair to KA and to our marriage to live on a stage.
The gratitude and emotions I feel to those who have shared this journey with me are overwhelming. When this is in final form and I hit the Post button, the tears will surely flow. I will not be deleting this blog – that would be to deny it, something I would never do. But it is time to move on, for now.
Don’t be surprised when my writing returns, expect to see a comment here or there, and (to borrow a phrase) keep me in your hearts.
Thanks to all of you, from my heart and my soul.