Sunday, July 30, 2006

He's Back

A few weeks ago I decided to take a blog break. My decision was based on trying to turn the volume down, step back from precipices and not be overly defined by a culture. The post was titled Can I Go Home Now. Over the ensuing weeks it has become clear that I was yet again wrong. That is not to say that there is no value in treating a symptom – if one has a cough, a throat lozenge may be a good idea. But if your cough is due to strep, the lozenge is pretty limited.

Well, I am not sick, but I do have a condition – this little thing called my gay side. And the blogging is more than just a throat lozenge. But the expectation that I will stop blogging and things will be different – well, another case of how can a smart person be so stupid. The simple fact is that my life – my gay side, my marriage, my friends in this world, continue to dominate my thoughts. The blogging was the one place where I was forced to organize these thoughts. So what I have done is allowed my brain to be addled by random, still overwhelming, unformed thoughts instead of being forced, by the writing, to define my thoughts and therefore my self.

So bear with me, it has been two weeks – in Nate land, a lifetime – and things continue to evolve. Unfortunately the backdrop to this is KA’s depression, a problem I have compounded though not created. Over the last few weeks I have carefully read comments to the last post, particularly Kitty and SD, I have been blessed with a friend who has spent hours upon hours counseling me in an extensive e-mail exchange. And of course I have self examined.

It is tempting to try to cram two weeks of thoughts into this post, but that is not fair. I take too much pride to “slap it together” like that. So suffice to say I am back – I will still be disappearing shortly for a much desired vacation – and I look forward to writing about the real issues.

Hopefully I will not become like the aging rocker always with one last farewell tour and hopefully when I do, you will all let me know.

4 comments:

BentonQuest said...

I say trust what you feel. If you need to write, then by all means do! You will know when it is time to hang up your keyboard. Until then, welcome back.

SD said...

Welcome back, Nate! I'll try to be a little less lurkish this time around.

And I'm sorry I have yet to answer your e-mail, I've been caught up in my little mans back to school preparations, but I did recieve it, thank you.

Evan said...

welcome back!

bear said...

You know you're always welcome to come and go as you please. Breaks are good if not necessary. This blogging can be emotionally draining, so nothing stupid about it at all. I'm glad to hear you're working through things, though, I'm also sad to hear of KA's depression. Hope you have a good vacation.