Monday, July 03, 2006

Dsyfunctional?

Over the past few days I found myself spending some time – together and separately – with my two friends to whom I am out. While my alternative existence is not a taboo topic, there is not all that much to add to the tableau, so the picture is out there but not debated. Each of these friends comes with their own stories.

I have known one friend for 35 years; he is local and is married. He and his wife stopped liking each other years ago, his wife redefines intolerant and he is an alcoholic. Other than that things are going quite well. Maybe it is a guy thing, but he and I have never discussed these issues. Until this weekend. His wife skipped a social gathering- she instructed him to blame her stomach. He told her, and subsequently me, that he was not going to lie to a friend who had bared his soul. We spoke at length that day and again the next. I asked the most basic of questions: assuming it is repairable (by no means a given), is that what he wants?

My other friend is from out of town – one reason for coming out to him first, sort of like opening in New Haven. He has been married for 25 years and has two in college and his youngest entering his last year in high school. He and his wife not only stopped loving each other a decade or more ago; they have maintained separate bedrooms for years. Now I understand wanting to be near ones kids and I understand the economic pressures of the real world. I do not understand his refusal to date until next May when their child finishes high school and they take up separate residences.

My blog is all about me – just ask KA – and more specifically my issues of sexual identification. I do appreciate my own difficulties – married, bi-sexual, and more interested in other men for sex than emotional relationships. But as KA and I chat about my friends and their troubles, I cannot help but feel less dysfunctional. My wife is not in full agreement – she does consider my wanting to have sex with men to be a “biggie” and so it is. But still she and I can discuss this question of relativity. Neither of my friends can have such discussions with their spouses.

Today is a special day for many parents: work closed and day-camps open. So while I take a few minutes to write (and play with my music) KA will be back from her therapist in a few minutes and we will continue our day together. Life is good.

8 comments:

Paul said...

Don't you think that many marriages are dysfunctional in some respect? Here's what I ask myself ... "Is my situation any more dysfunctional that others?" I answer, "I really don't know." That's probably one of the reasons I cruise the blogs ... to see what others are admitting to.

I'm beginning to believe that an answer doesn't exist. Everything is up for personal interpretation and you can't judge others.

bear said...

This dysfunctional aspect is really comparing reality with the unrealistic expectations society puts on everyone...it's not dysfunctional, it's just reality.

No one's personal relationships are picture perfect, and if we had all the data, we would see that these things are perhaps common (feeling out of love, sleeping in different beds etc.) Picture perfect is a fairy tale we read about and see in the movies.

Although, I do think your relationship to be able to openly discuss these REALLY difficult things with your wife KA is rare, but maybe becoming less rare hopefully...it wasn't for free though.

We're all in the same dysfunctional boat really.

Brad said...

Spider used to end all of his posts with "life is good". I hope that this is something that you are truly feeling. It would make me so happy.

Flip said...

Sounds right-sized to me...

Anonymous said...

Life is indeed good and also precious.

Marlan said...

"His wife redefines the word intolerant, and he's an alcoholic." Amusing if it weren't true. Been there, got out of that rut.

Ward Cleaver said...

I understand what you are going through.

You are not alone.

Cal Snow said...

I am beginning to believe that the line between "dysfunctional" and "fully functional" is thinner than one would believe. Currently...I am having a really successful experience in both my marriage, and my CLR relationship. It helps a bit that these relationships are temporarily in different cities...but I feel so fully present with each of them when I am with them...that it is almost like the two of me are experiencing an almost "impossible to believe" level of satisfaction. I think it helps to just follow the basic edicts..."Give and believe." I give of myself to both of the people who love me, and I believe that love itself can protect us from becoming too dysfunctional in any aspect of our lives