Dear Friends,
I did go to Chicago, yes against the outcry, a decision that I do not overly regret. The only thing that seems to hurt Carrie more than what I do is the constant changing of the playing fields – going / staying, bi / gay / queer (a term which I am finally coming to appreciate in all its, well, queerness).
On the plane home, I again picked up pen and wrote, six plus pages, facts and feelings. I came home and Carrie and I talked, a victory in its own right, and this morning we talked some more. And what would all this be without a few e-mails to Sis. So I have been busy, many things on my mind.
There are many posts to this trip, the ones from the plane which I will transcribe and share, ones from the return which need to be written – in my mind and on my keyboard. So you may be wondering where I am going with this post: simple. I am in awe of the number of people who through comments and / or e-mails care about us and have chosen to come along for the ride. And I am guessing there are some who are wondering if I went to Chicago – I did, if I returned, for sure, and if my belongings were possibly deservedly on the front lawn – they were not.
I learned much in Chicago but there are no magic answers, no silver bullets anymore. I came home as aware as ever of my gay side and I came home again wanting – not doing, but wanting – to beg my way back into the bedroom, back to my family. But I realize that I have my family with the price of admission remaining unchanged, accept a quite lovely basement and stop “hitting” on Carrie, hitting on her to open any more doors. Showing respect, what many of you have oft times suggested, should be simple enough.
To those who are noting the sparse word count today, fasten your seat belts; I still have much to say.
Written with love and humility to those who have spent a year trying to do the impossible, to get me to listen
Nate
Who Am I
- Nate
- I'm a middle aged man - separated and finally accepting, and yes, even embracing, being gay. My alter-ego Bibydays started this blog as a bisexual married man. One day I realized that Bibydays was just not an accurate description in so so many ways: Nate was born. Turns out there is much more to issues of my orientation than I ever realized. My world at work while not closeted is still not truly open but my family and friends stand with me in the sunlight. This place, once my refuge, now becomes a place where I can come to write when I have something to say.
8 comments:
"I came home as aware as ever of my gay side and I came home again wanting – not doing, but wanting – to beg my way back into the bedroom, back to my family."
WHY?
"trying to do the impossible, to get me to listen"
I am beginning to think this is the only thing that you are honest with yourself about - you don't listen - to us, to yourself, to your feelings, to your family, to your wife...
Why do you want back in the bedroom - no prospects of any good gay sex on the horizion - for if there were - you would leave Carrie or it in a heartbeat...
welcome back
I actually wrote this as an e-mail to Spider but then realized that the fact it was painful was why it should be shared.
Spider
This one hurt - not so much your final conclusion, but everything else. It is not the lack of good gay sex - I did fine in Chicago, can see Sam every week and the sex is good - I have used the term dizzying.
I wish that was the answer to the "Why". I had an e-mail exchange with Sis today where she suggested it is not about the sex but about all of the other issues I have never truly dealt with.
Fear I think, fear of the unknown, fear of being truly out of the closet, fear of being alone, fear of monetary/ material deprivation. I suppose you are essentially right - not that the prospect of gay sex would have me out in a heartbeat - the prospect of gay love would. God that hurts to write.
I think that gay love and a solid relationship are more elusive than you realize, Nate.
Gay sex is easy and cheap.
No Brad, I very much realize. And that is why I am in terror.
Love and solid relationships are elusive, gay or straight and here I am watching love and a solid relationship - a straight one - starting to twist in the wind, and I wonder will I ever find it again.
The fear of this aspect, the lack of a true partner, gnaws at my essance.
Any sex without committment is easy and cheap.
Brad - you have spent your life on the gay side of the ocean and straight America thinks you are different. In so many ways we - gays, straights, bi's, are all the same in terms of relationships. Its just that the straight world has yet to accept that simple fact.
For me, it's good to know that you have clarity.
"Brad - you have spent your life on the gay side of the ocean and straight America thinks you are different. In so many ways we - gays, straights, bi's, are all the same in terms of relationships. Its just that the straight world has yet to accept that simple fact."
And THAT is where you are totally wrong Nate - gay relationships are different from str8 relationships in SO MANY WAYS... the love of the person is not, but that is where they end.
Try kissing your male lover on the lips and holding hands when you walk into the movies - what happens when you fall in love with a man who is not out to his family and YOU sit home every holiday because he can't/won't take you with him... love someone so much and you can't have their picture on your desk at work... or adopt a child to have a family, or just tell someone, ANYONE you are in love with the most wonderful man in the world and you are going away for the weekend... try being in love and not able to tell ANYONE...
Does that sound like any str8 relationship you know of...
You are still talking about sex - NOT about love and relationships...
I do understand that part - the inherent societal problems. My comment was not intended to make light of them. Lord knows, I flew 1,000 miles so I could "be" gay for a weekend without fear of being outed. I had a drink with a reader of my blog in NYC and was nervous when he brushed my hand.
I also saw my gay nephew and partner swing dance at my daughters wedding, dancing that is still talked about and still has some controversy. And now that same daughter will not speak with me.
I was only referring to underlying emotions being universal, but your point is well taken and gets back to my terror.
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