Tuesday, January 16, 2007

One Answer

Of late my listening skills have been called into question – for good reason. For many months a concept has been bandied about: my blogging as a greater issue in my marriage than sex with other men. This line of reasoning has baffled me. I mean how can one compare the significance of sitting alone at a keyboard in the blue monitor glow with, well you can imagine what can occur in the company of another, a fellow traveler in my sad world.

On Sunday I wrote of some changes – the basics relating to proper respect for Carrie and that is going well. I also wrote of less sex – sex with men - and less blogging. These were never set in stone rules – only the acceptance of therapy and the respect for Carrie are bedrock. The celibacy, while being honored, I have come to realize is not an issue. Now that I am in the basement, not sharing a bed, the issue is not sex; the issue is an element of discretion which speaks of respect. The thing is that the celibacy will not last, but it is not pressing in on me, I do not lie in bed at night and plan my next dalliance.

The same cannot be said for blogging. Since Sunday morning I have written many words, albeit in my head, but the words, the thoughts are there all the same. Some are comforting, some distressing, a few disheartening and in the last few days, more words of hope. And these words trail me with a greater persistence than the new puppy (who is cute but a mite energetic).

And as I think of all the words, write posts in my head, I finally start to understand. Carrie points out that sex gives me the adoration of one, blogging the adoration of many. I want to deny this: it is not about the adoration, the numbers. Yet I can tell you that I have reached 16,000 hits, last week I had consecutive days of 111 and 100 guests. But who’s counting.

So I realize that while the sex is significant, the blogging is the real immersion into a culture, a community and it does have real meaning to me. It is the writing, it is the introspection, but it is more: I can just keep a private journal. I do not. Tonight I choose not to worry about the why – the need for acceptance and approval, a form of exhibitionism. There will be a time for that, part of therapy, part of the non-TGT therapy I suspect.

Tonight is time for a bit of self acceptance, only bit I realize. But at least it is time to accept that being with men and maintaining my blog – my connection with all of you – are part of me. These need to be balanced with the rest of my life:
respect for Carrie and myself must remain paramount. But there are enough battles to fight, mountains to climb with out creating false pretenses.


jas said...

I was worried about Mrs BB finding out about my blog - so have been very open that it exists, that others have read it, but that I don't recommend that she does. And, AFAIK, she hasn't.
It is not that I am ashamed of anything I have put on it, or that she comes in for a hard time (she doesn't), just that it may be too much for her.

Michael (MO) said...

I've finally found your blog. Where have you been all of my life. You mentioned on HOW that we are leading parallel lives. In fact, my clothes closet is in the basement of our house, as is my computer, and the bathroom I use is down there as well. When I moved back in July of last year, this is where I opted to put my clothes. She had taken over my former side of the closet. I actually like it this way; I have a bit more freedom. But I still sleep with her. No sex, however. I'm not interested! I'll read on, and will flag your Blog for future reference, Best Wishes my friend, Michael