Normally I might hesitate sharing this, but it is addressed to all of us - an e-mailed letter from Carrie. And it does seem only appropriate that it be shared, in honor of all of you who have taken this ride and taken the time to share your thoughts. It is also only fair that Carrie, whose voice has been so recently found, has a chance to weigh in on what is her life also.
This note is to you and your blog friends. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. You have put me through more than anyone should be asked to endure. However, I do not believe it was malicious. If I did, this would have been over a long time ago.
I understand that “Chicago” has become larger than the reality. What you and your friends need to realize is that the damage was done months ago when you announced the trip. More damage was done today when we had to discuss it again. Whether you go or not no longer has any major impact on me. My tears were shed this week for a marriage gone and both a past year of hell and a future year of uncertainty.
The cruelty lies in not being honest with yourself and expecting me to be your conscience and decision maker. I am not your mother. If by going to Chicago you begin to understand both what you are looking for and what you are giving up in exchange, then it will be a worthwhile trip. Under no circumstance will I take you back into my bed until we can both be honest with who we are and what we are looking for in a marriage.
That being said, make no mistake at the pain, anger and grieving I am going through. The fact that you are surprised with my emotions shows your total inability to view this situation from any perspective other than your own. If you want to continue to be my friend, then you must treat me with the same respect I have shown you.
I am happy to go into couples’ counseling at any time to help us through these difficult times. You suggested last night that I must tell you when you are acting inappropriately. I actually thought I had been trying to do that all along to no avail. Your “Sis” has the right idea. Her marriage may or may not work out, but counseling was sought out very early on and continues. You never really felt you (we) needed that.
If I could give advice to just one person reading your blog who has not yet come out to their spouse, it would be to get counseling privately or through groups like HOW before you say the words. Words once said, can never be unsaid. As a friend we want to help you through this process. As your spouse it’s a whole other situation. It is hard to know that the person you are lying next to is fantasying about something you can never be. Fantasies should be private. When you feel you need to act on them, be sure you are ready for the consequences. And above all else, show the person you have chosen to share your life with and who may have born your children the same kindness you would expect someone to show your mother. Respect the fact that for as long as we are able to live in your closet, our self esteem and frequently our health will suffer.
This is a terribly complex problem. I hope that when it is over you will find peace within yourself. Of course I hope we remain together as the soul mates we have always been.
With heartfelt love,