Saturday, October 21, 2006


Recently I referred to my moral compass – knowing right from wrong. While that thought was still in my mind I ambled over to Flip and noted his similar yet different conflict (Another Conversation- before his clarification). It seems pretty simple – married guys, looking to stay that way, accepting the basic morality of keeping it zipped. But Flip and I appear to diverge with his question being: “can he keep it zipped?” and my question being “do I want to keep it zipped?” And in my case even if I “want” the question still comes back to whether I “can”.

My therapist and I have this little repartee: he says if I like pussy, I can’t be gay and I say if I like dick, I’m surely not straight. This led us to the conversation I wrote of last week. Nate in a room with two doors – a man behind one and a woman behind another: easy, first the man and then in best caveman tradition, on to the women. As with any answer that comes so easily, one should be wary. Surely I would start with the man: the thing is somehow I see myself finishing with the man also.

Which brings me to a question that has been danced around: Carrie accepts I am bi (maybe) but believes me to have a much stronger leaning to the gay side than I am willing to admit. I note this lack of support to Sis and she sympathizes. Yet I do not really question Carrie: why does she feel this way.

Carrie has spent a little time with me. Figure that out of the last 7,200 nights, I have shared a bed with her for more than 7,100 of them. Figure that maybe I have had sexual climaxes with her four or five thousand times. Twenty years is a long time. The point is that Carrie knows me: she knows me as well as anyone and in some ways better than I know myself.

So if I were to ask Carrie why she believes me to be gayer than my self perception, she would have an answer. She would acknowledge that I am not looking to leave and realizes my comfort with women as best friends. She would tell me that I notice women on the street because they are more noticeable: men just do not present the same way.

Then she would swoop in for the kill. The undeniable fact is that my sexual fantasies are all about men. Carrie knows not only of the preponderance of the homo-erotic fantasies; she knows of their power, their depth. Woody Allen may joke that he has never had an orgasm that wasn’t right on the money, but they are not all the same and Carrie knows not only what will excite me: she knows what will send me through the roof.

So I can discuss the fact that I emotionally connect to women – Carrie and Sis are two great examples. I can write how I walk down the city streets in the summer and notice all that nice cleavage – wonderful eye candy. But for twenty years Carrie has conducted this ongoing test measuring my excitement, how hard I get, what makes me cum, what keeps me going. She knows the answer, I know the answer, and by now even you know the answer.

So the moral compass may tell me not to cheat on my wife but it also tells me not continue to lie to her and to myself.


Raven in NYC (aka Mark) said...

I completely and totally get this because in the same way with me and my wife. I think she is more open to accepting my bisexuality and fantasies of men becuase she is bi herself (a big distinction in my situation over yours and even Sis's).

In my case I also tend to find myself noticing both men and women on the street (maybe it's because I'm in New York City all the time when men put it out there as much as women). But I tend to notice men more I guess.

Like you more of my sexual fantasies involve men. But here's the thing. Any fantasies I have about women don't need to remain that way. I have my wife for that.

So it's more an issue of wanting what I don't have more than another of what I alrady have. I made the choice to get married to a woman because I found someone I loved and connected with in every way you're supposed to. And while things can get complacent in our sex life as it sometimes does when you are sharing a life with someone she still gets to me in the sexual desire department.

So there it is. It sounds convenient and such, but that's the case. You can try and pick it a part, but that's how I truly feel. And given my situation with us both being bi and in a more open marriage I would not reject another woman being with us. Never have yet.

bear said...

Hmm...raven might have hit on something there.
I can see it is possible that you fantasize about something you are not getting enough of?
Your "gay" factor COULD be surpressed perhaps through self training too etc.
I don't claim to know you better than Carrie (I'd guess she has the best assessment of them all) but I still contend that you seem to EMOTIONALLY connect to women yet only PHYSICALLY connect to men. This is something that I'm not sure how to quantify, since I think being gay is also an emotional response. You might see this in other gays, they are "in love" and in my case sometimes hopelessly so...very confusing! But then again, perhaps it's not a black and white issue there.

Anonymous said...

Normally when I receive a comment in the form of an e-mail, I read it, digest it, and move on. But to not post this comment - a comment from a female friend - and then continue with my thoughts is cheating the community.

So…I read your post. Then I read Mark’s comment. So now I wonder….what difference does it make? Would you be trying so hard to put a label on your sexuality if Carrie wasn’t pushing you so hard to…what?....admit you’re gay?....admit that you want men more than you want her?....??? Perhaps I am mistaken, but I see Carrie pushing at you to say you’re gay so that everything she’s afraid of will come to pass…so she can exert some control over a situation in which she feels completely powerless. She’s expecting you to leave her at some point anyway….if she pushes you to say you’re gay and you don’t want her any more, she can believe that she’s not worthy of love, she can believe that you’re just another man in a long line of men who have let her down, she can believe that you never really wanted her to begin with so she was completely justified in pushing you away sexually.

And you…. What are you willing to sacrifice? In the end, as you well know, and as you have said, it IS going to come down to a choice. Can you live with never being with Carrie again? Can you live with never having sex with another man again? Do you love your wife more than you love having sex with men?

This is not really about whether you’re gay or straight or bisexual. This is about the life you want. Which life do you want? The life with Carrie and her issues and the family and the mortgage and the marital bed that includes some concessions to your fantasies? Or the life you imagine, with your sexual partners, and maybe at some point a boyfriend, with the family that doesn’t understand you or the sacrifices you’ve made?

I think Mark’s comment is incredibly astute. You’ve suppressed your urges for many years now. It’s only lately that you’ve given them free reign, so naturally you’re going to get a bit obsessed. Particularly since things aren’t great at home right now and you’re not getting sex from your wife. But in the end, what matters is not whether you like men more than women. It’s whether you love Carrie more than you love men.

I will respond to this series of comments, but I fear it will be in the form of my next post. I have no quick flippant answers.

Paul said...

Nate -
Thanks for posting the e-mail from anonymous. It's a totally different perspective that I would never have considered. And that's what really makes this blog-conversation so dynamic. We are forced to listen, not just talk.

Is this group therapy, or what?

(Yes, Mark and Bear, your thoughts are also so very relevant! And Nate ... and Flip ... thanks for laying so much on the line to get us going!)

bear said...

I agree with Paul. Thanks for posting the anonymous comment too. I always feel enriched by all the insights here!