Much of my formative years, my young adulthood, was clouded by being a brother. Not to my sisters, I was born into that role, but to women: girls, my age. Even in this blog world, I have met many people but the true find is a woman – ironic for a bi/gay blogger – a woman who is my “sister” and I her “brother”. All those girls – wonderful friends, easy relationships, but one little problem: I was not looking for a sister; I just wanted to get laid. I wanted lovers.
I grew up surrounded by women. My Dad I am sure meant well, but he went to work, he came home. I was a late in life child and as I realize as a late in life father myself, the energy is not the same. So Bob points out my father was absent and at first I want to protest, but as I consider it, he is right. Old school, emotions not shared: a stiff upper lip. Even as my Dad faced death, no talk of his life, no joys or regrets, no new found religion. Buttoned to the end.
Facts known to me forever, but now to be looked at in a new light. Bob is fascinated by the tableau – a chosen son surrounded by women: “Drowning in a sea of woman”. So I am comfortable with women – a wonderful thing when one is 52, maybe not so good when one is 22. I am capable of true friendships with women – foremost among them Carrie.
But where are the men. My father was “missing” and on some level so are the men. With few exceptions, there are no male friends, no “bowling” nights with the boys. Socialization at work - absolutely, but it does not translate past those doors.
But wait, I can have male friends, male relationships. It might require being on my knees, but it sure feels good. And here is where I get stuck in that knot. I see where the therapist is going – I really do – and it makes sense.
But even if I grasp what drove me to my knees, how does one separate the pleasure. Is the pleasure all tied up in the psychology – the bonding, the power – or is it a matter of hard wiring – the physical pleasure of a dick in my mouth.
The answer is I do not have a clue.
A short session today, but so much to it.