Monday, September 11, 2006

Being versus Doing

While we have been busy covering the letter S (do you think Sesame Street managed shaving, sex, and secrets – all at the same time) and was even doing a second post – the secret one was beginning to rear its ugly head but has since been captured, if only for the moment. But out of nowhere, the letter R came roaring.

Carrie and I have been busy and with much on our plate: TGT got a rest. But it was more of an afternoon nap than a deep slumber and it was inevitable that it would awake – as always at an hour when the rest of us should be sleeping. So another middle of the night talk.

At one point a Jeopardy style moment: Today’s final Jeopardy category: our future life together. Time to wager – wait, I have already placed my bet: Everything I hold dear.
A little intro and the answer – what it will take to get our lives back to where we were. My pen is out – I know this question. Alex – What is acknowledging the extent of my gay side and not acting on it anymore? I know I am right – I am repeating one right out of Carrie’s playbook.

Silence. No bells or whistles. Wrong.

A little surprised, but maybe I phrased it wrong, maybe the off-camera judge will overrule. No. The question is: What is Renounce? RENOUNCE! That is a tricky one. It seems to get to the difference between Being and Doing. I admit that I am not at this moment willing to give up Doing. I realize the implications of not giving up Doing. I pay the price in ways – some little, some bigger, but none overwhelming.

I am secure with a hope, a hope that I will flush it out of my system that I will come to my senses. That when it is a choice: my life as it was or giving a bj, I will rise to the occasion, put my cheating ways behind me and come home. I have precedent – twelve years with only my fantasies – not so much as a trip to the buddy booths.

But this is no longer about doing – it is about Being. Carrie would be happy to have me back, but repression does not do it for her. And she is right on that one. The fact that I may have hooked up recently is less damaging to her than the knowledge of what excites me. It is more than even that: it is what she perceives as my obsession, the level of energy – psychic and physical – that is devoted to my new – gay- side. She does not mind any one thing but the combination of the blogging, my on-line group, and my new “sister” has her saying Renounce.

The thing is that we both know that maybe I can obsess less – post a little less, not e-mail sis most every day but we also both know that the underlying issue – my having a strong gay side – is a matter of Being, not of Doing. Maybe I can change Doing, but I’ll be damned if I know how to change Being.


Paul said...

Renounce? Does that mean say it doesn't exist?

You're in a tough position here. It makes shaving seem only like cosmetic flattery.

BentonQuest said...

Don't have much to say, other than there is support out there for both you and your wife. Peace to the both of you.

bear said...

I'm with Paul, what do you mean by renounce. (I'm guessing you mean to give up the gay activities altogether?)
I'm not sure if it's possible mentally, it will always be there in your mind I'm afraid. (Being just is.)
To do so physically, will take a lot of will power, though is possible. You need to take a hard look in the mirror and see if you believe it is within you. A better word might be "restraint."
I can also see how she might be right that maybe you're spending too much "energy" towards gay things, though, this is a real aspect of who you are and if not here or with "sister", where? when? Moderation sure, but again, restraint seems reasonable to me over renouncing it altogether.
In general, I've come to think with you and Carrie, anything is possible, really, if you feel you must "renounce" things. She seems to provide a key aspect to your "bi"-ness in my mind, the real emotional aspects. And that seems worth it to me to try. All you can do is try really.

jasman said...

Your life is my life - and I feel your pain like it is my own, because it is my own.
There are so many of us in this place and we all draw comfort from each other.
My guess - from searching my own feelings as best I can (which is very badly indeed) - is that you can as easily renounce the homosexual part of your life as you can renounce your kidneys. It is a part of who you are - the glorious, imperfect, confused, you.
The ability not to act on that part of your being is a completely different matter. Sure, if you have a will of iron, and Carrie can be there for you when it gets tough, then as bear says, with you guys anything is possible.
I don't wish to rain on your parade, but I know that if it were me, then I don't think I could do that.
As always I have no answers (if only there were a book somewhere which explained it all). What I have is an offer of support from the other side of the Atlantic for all that is worth, and the promise that you are in my thoughts. Good luck, and keep talking.

Troll at Sea said...

Nate old friend:

Having done what you propose for some thirty years, I have some idea of what you are considering. In my own case, what I could no longer do was keep silent, and could ALMOST consider "renouncing" for another twenty or thirty years.

But it turned out that silence was the real price. And I felt, once the inner barriers had given way -- and I would say yours gave way some time ago -- there was no to keep the game going. While it hurt like hell to be told that I could no longer be trusted, I had to admit that I no longer really trusted myself.

The "bursting into flame" which has provided so much amusement for my BlogBrothers over the last few months was just waiting to happen in real time -- and I feared that a whiff of pheromones might make the flame more literal than figurative...

Well, all this is a long way of saying, no one can walk your walk but you, and I wish you and Carrie the very best, from the bottom of my black little heart, whatever comes around the bend. I just hope you are not stranded on the track when it does...