While we have been busy covering the letter S (do you think Sesame Street managed shaving, sex, and secrets – all at the same time) and was even doing a second post – the secret one was beginning to rear its ugly head but has since been captured, if only for the moment. But out of nowhere, the letter R came roaring.
Carrie and I have been busy and with much on our plate: TGT got a rest. But it was more of an afternoon nap than a deep slumber and it was inevitable that it would awake – as always at an hour when the rest of us should be sleeping. So another middle of the night talk.
At one point a Jeopardy style moment: Today’s final Jeopardy category: our future life together. Time to wager – wait, I have already placed my bet: Everything I hold dear. A little intro and the answer – what it will take to get our lives back to where we were. My pen is out – I know this question. Alex – What is acknowledging the extent of my gay side and not acting on it anymore? I know I am right – I am repeating one right out of Carrie’s playbook.
Silence. No bells or whistles. Wrong.
A little surprised, but maybe I phrased it wrong, maybe the off-camera judge will overrule. No. The question is: What is Renounce? RENOUNCE! That is a tricky one. It seems to get to the difference between Being and Doing. I admit that I am not at this moment willing to give up Doing. I realize the implications of not giving up Doing. I pay the price in ways – some little, some bigger, but none overwhelming.
I am secure with a hope, a hope that I will flush it out of my system that I will come to my senses. That when it is a choice: my life as it was or giving a bj, I will rise to the occasion, put my cheating ways behind me and come home. I have precedent – twelve years with only my fantasies – not so much as a trip to the buddy booths.
But this is no longer about doing – it is about Being. Carrie would be happy to have me back, but repression does not do it for her. And she is right on that one. The fact that I may have hooked up recently is less damaging to her than the knowledge of what excites me. It is more than even that: it is what she perceives as my obsession, the level of energy – psychic and physical – that is devoted to my new – gay- side. She does not mind any one thing but the combination of the blogging, my on-line group, and my new “sister” has her saying Renounce.
The thing is that we both know that maybe I can obsess less – post a little less, not e-mail sis most every day but we also both know that the underlying issue – my having a strong gay side – is a matter of Being, not of Doing. Maybe I can change Doing, but I’ll be damned if I know how to change Being.