Saturday, September 23, 2006

One Year

While considering what to write I realized that I could not remember what I last posted – that pesky senility again. Back to the internet, back to my own blog – a refresher. Then it became clear – I was not senile. I last wrote from my soul almost two weeks ago – tales of doing and being, stories of renouncing: I wrote and I felt.

There have been posts since then – stories of rabbits and razors. Fun enough and true enough – all true. As I wrote them I knew it was more than a pinky swear being fulfilled – it was not having to intellectually and emotionally work – a blog holiday while still posting. And yes – it was fun.

It was also a few weeks ago that I took a new stab at therapy. Now being I am perfect, therapy seems superfluous but I have enough grey matter left to realize that my deep seated belief in my perfection is the ultimate imperfection. I am sure in future posts we will be visiting with Bob: he is a keeper. He actually runs the sessions, asks questions – tough questions, and does not really care if I gave a bj last week or not. We are there to deal with the foundations, not the current window treatments.

Tonight is Rosh Hashanah – the Jewish New Year. It is the start of the Days of Awe, an eight day period culminating with Yom Kippur – the Day of Atonement. Eight days to consider ones life – it is said that the book of life opens on Rosh Hashanah and closes on Yom Kippur – fates sealed for another year. It may sound harsh but au contraire: we have eight days to atone. Our definition of atonement… the sages tell us that before we can atone with God, we must first atone with those we have hurt – hurt by deed and hurt by word.

So I start the eight days and consider atonement. Now I believe I live a good life: there are wrongs – petty affairs, easily dismissed, easily corrected. But this year is different for it has now been a year – a year since I took the leap. A comment by Carrie and my response: yes she did imply sex with a man, but she envisioned a quickie, my ten year tune-up and back to our lives. So did I.

What was not predicted was the opening of a floodgate – months of sex with men. What was not predicted was that after five months I would have a need to share with her what I was doing. What was not predicted, though obvious in hindsight, was the fact that Carrie would regret it all – the comment, the men, the telling – in short everything.

So it is time for atonement. The problem is that to atone, one needs to regret. One needs to feel the wrongness of the acts. I feel the hurtfulness of the acts; I feel the pain I have caused. I understand aspects of the wrongness – infidelity is a powerful word.

But there is an implication in atonement that one would not repeat the act. While there are things I should have done differently, comments that should not have been made, in the quiet of my heart, I do not regret.

It has in some ways been the best of years – at least for me. A year ago I was a straight man living out homo-erotic fantasies, familiar with buddy booths, a denizen of anonymous sex. Today I accept, albeit grudgingly, that I am bisexual with a serious leaning towards my gay side. My wife, my siblings and select friends know. There are a dozen people in this world, in my life, who know who I am. It is not a frequent topic, but I feel honest with them and, more importantly, with myself.


brad said...

When you wrote of therapy being superfulous because you're perfect, I smiled a little because that is a tongue-in-cheek remark that I could have easily written.

bear said...

Happy Jewish New Year. I see what you mean with atonement and regret, it's tricky. I wonder is there atonement to Carrie? I mean, she was (albeit maybe inadvertantly) hurt here. We can cause hurt, even out of necessity, and yet we can still atone for that hurt. Perhaps the idea is to (also?) attempt to make better in our relationships (between God and others) the things that we may have done (or not done) that caused pain. Even if it may happen again...kind of like respect and acknowledgement that our actions can and will cause others hurt.

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year.

I don't think I need to tell you, but being true to yourself is the beginning of truthfulness with others. You know where you have to go and you will do what you need to do. To do it too soon would be wrong, so be gentil with yourself.