Sunday, September 03, 2006


It was a week ago that I wrote of the TALK and of sharing lives, but not bodies. Of course the problem is that if an oversexed man is denied sex – well, not a formula for staying at home. So we will lay there in bed and most nights I behave – stick to my side, only the most benign holding of hands. But other times I will make advances – not forward ones. More like a cat, never jumping on the lap, but the brushing against a leg, grazing a hand over an arm. Always maintaining the distance, but still the desire is apparent.

Carrie is not unaware and I can almost hear her thoughts – no sex at home will mean more cause to wander. As if I need an excuse at this point. So she will on occasion brush me with her hand – wandering south, seeing if I mean it. She will then pull me to her, tell me its okay, it’s her job. She will touch me – after eighteen years she knows all my spots.

But she will not let me touch her. Of course we are touching – I am in her. But as my hands try to wander, to explore, they are subtly blocked. Her body while shared is simultaneously off limits. There may be pleasure for me, but not for her. Long ago I wrote of “mercy fucks” and while these may seem the same, they are different. One was borne of her not wanting sex but wanting me to still have pleasure, the other is much trickier. One while usually short and sweet also had the possibility of taking on a life of its own. The other – there are no possibilities.

Woody Allen once said that his worst orgasm was right on the money and while still true, that was said a long time ago. I consider the truth of it but know that all orgasms are not created equal. I do not blame Carrie – I think her having any relations with me is a gift so long as I am sleeping with a man. But if her goal is to satisfy me at home, I fear it is not working. When we were on vacation having wild sex with abandon, it was possible to feel “bi”, to say maybe I can pull back from the precipice. But this – what can I think – a “two” minute release and roll right over? Then lay there and think about my “stolen” hour with my new friend, a literal hour of total sharing.

In an e-mail to a fellow traveler I wrote:
I wish I knew any answers - it is tough watching one's life disintegrating while knowing the "death-spiral" could be stopped and being unwilling to stop it.

He responded:
You talk of the death spiral we are in, but to be honest with you for as hard as this has been, I have never felt so happy about myself as I do right now. I have admitted to myself that i am 'gay'; and to the women who has given me the best part of her life that I am 'bi'. We have given them the happiness they wanted, our children are happy human beings on the right path, is it not our turn to find the happiness for ourselves, even if it means being in the arms of another hot man.

I still have a distance to travel, but cannot argue with his thoughts.


Flip said...

I'm not sure what to say but, as usual, feel compelled to say something.

For me, for today, the excitement of forbidden sex has waned...even if only slightly. I am trying to concentrate on renewing my relationship with my wife. The complete relationship I promised her, including sex. Sex as much for her as for me. Sex like we used to have and like I quit having with her.

Today she spoke of our future together in a very natural way, the way a part of a couple with kids about to be gone would talk about it. Not the way part of a couple with a guy still trying to make his mind up would talk about it.

That made my day. It gave me some hope. And it gave me encouragement that not straying really is the right thing to do. For us.

You have the answers. I don't know what they are but I can tell you have them.

Have faith. Not in the outcome but in the journey.

Take care.


Paul said...

Something I learned long ago: the best sex is mutual. If two are involved, two must play.

bear said...

Wow. Withholding happiness for ourselves, especially for the one's we love (like the children and even the loving wife) seems to make sense. I admire the fact that you consider it too. This has always been the reason for staying right?
It's bittersweet too, you've gained a better understanding of yourself but you also gained a lot of the suffering that came when you out-ed it to the relationship. Was it all for nothing if you decide to stay and remain faithful? Or is it more like the feeling that you are able to better acknowledge it and that brings you happiness too...the self acceptance and the end of the lying.

Anonymous said...

Bear, you are correct for the reason for staying all these years. And now with almost all out in the open I have never felt better about myself and who I am. I am at the early stage of this so faithful is not in the cards right now. We are both learning to live with the newly accepted me. She knows of my desire, but does not need to know how I fulfill those needs. This has become the new unspoken secret.