Saturday, September 23, 2006

Hopes and Dreams

My therapist asked my goals and I said to be back with my wife in an intact relationship – back home. Afterwards I realized I had lied – to him and me. I had confused hopes and goals. My hope: to be in this house, at this desk, the noise of the TV coming from the next room, wife and kids finishing their show. But a hope is not a goal.

Carrie listens to my hopes and she sits there looking sad in a wistful way. She tells me – she always tells me – you cannot change who you are. She believes that my gay side will win out – oh that sad, wistful look. I am not as sure. But she is right on one count: what the goal must be.

My goal for this year is to understand who I am, why I am, and to find a level of comfort with myself. I need to come to my land of hopes and dreams, wherever that land may lie. And I still have my hopes.


marsmsu said...

About 8 yrs, into my marriage, while in therapy, I also lied about it all. 15 years later, I have once piece of advice. Don't lie about it anymore.

bear said...

I agree with marsmsu. The therapy won't help if you're not honest...this is understandable, as the questions are not that easy.
Goal: (Better) understanding of who you are sounds like a good goal. Seems like part of that is acceptance too. Your hopes and dreams are not as simply straight forward as others, your situation is in uncharted territory which may require a picture of hopes and dreams unlike most other's.