Work is busy and I do not have nearly enough time to post what I want in the way I want, so I decided to briefly update on the ever changing landscape. KA and I have been talking enormously, issues of sexuality and other issues of mine that I am finally willing to admit to and address. I am in awe of how little I got out of my prior forays into therapy – a clear reflection of my deeply held beliefs that I am always right. When I do find a therapist, I will enter with a new found humility which I would never have learned if not for admitting to being bi.
When all my posturing is stripped away, the issue we get back to is my marriage and my bi-ness. The nature of my bi side is sexual – no romantic notions, just what I used to call physical desires but am coming to admit are needs. While I would give up men if that was the price of saving my marriage – a fact my wife and I know to be true – we are intelligent enough to realize that would end up being an open sore that would just chafe and get infected with time.
So we have found ourselves with the following truths:
We both are committed to our marriage
I need to find a therapist and better understand my own issues, sexual and other
I am not ready to stop being with men (not that I have had time or emotional energy to really pursue it of late)
We both accept that I will hook up with men (at least in the near term and she thinks longer), but there is no need for it ever to be discussed in the newspaper sense (all those W’s from back in school)
We have a very, very long road ahead of us.
Tomorrow we have dinner with the only friends who know that I am bi. It will be my first time seeing them since the closet opened and while hopefully there will be our usual meandering conversation, the topic d’jour needs to be on the table: I remain cautiously optimistic, and in a sense excited.