Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Changing Tides

Earlier this evening, being someone out of sorts, I decided to write Flip an e-mail responding to his comment on a prior post. Along the way my fingers took over. With his permission here is the unedited e-mail:

I have given your comment much thought because it could have been me. I walk down the street and notice woman much more than men, the sex with my wife has also been ethereal at times (love the word) but ultimately when I lay in bed and fantasize, it is about men. Ultimately there is no denying when you hit a thought - involving a man - and you start to cum. It is the ultimate "lie detector" test. It is how this current period of my life came to be. One night in bed my wife took a dildo, put it in my mouth and I (as much as one can a toy) gave it a blowjob and very quickly wildly exploded. It was then my wife rolled off of me and said I needed to deal with my issues.

I tell my wife it is only physical, so I really am bi, not gay. She, being smarter than me in these matters, tells me that is becasue I never had the opportunity to have more than a semi-anonymous relationship. She says if you met a guy and actually courted, talked about music (my passion), that maybe there would be an emotional connection beyond raw sex. And I think about it - I think about the e-mails with you and others - the emotional content without sex. If I met you tomorrow and discussed Jackson and Sarah and Cowboy Junkies, would I ultimately want to have sex and would that be more satisfying than whatever encounters I have now. The answer is obvious of course - it would be infinitely more exciting and satisfying.

So I will stop writing about labels. I like your term queer - open ended with the changing tides. I am queer. I realize that my post and requesting comments ultimately represents my fear about an answer I already know.


woe said...

Sounds to me like your wife has got it pretty well figured. For me the benchmark question is probably could I live out life with another male as my lifes partner. It took me a while to say it , but yes I could.

Bibydays said...

I read the comments, with relish, and have thought much about Woe's. I think it a good benchmark question and I find my answser cflouded in that I cannot imagine another life's partner than the one I have.
I think my answser to your question is no, but considering the last few months of my life, I am generally lacking of certitude.