It’s late Friday, most people are gone, I’m sitting in my office listening to Bruce – Backstreets from a September ’78 show. It has been a three, four months since I have been seeing guys, two weeks since everything was put on the table at home, and a few hours since my last encounter with my “bud”.
I have written many postings in my head this past week. I have joined and read SOTTs e-mails, started the books my wife has found, met with our Rabbi (gay and leaving the congregation come July), and of course read your blogs. Most of all I have tried to listen to my heart.
The postings in my head had various titles with the word Dilemma in it. I enjoy sex with men – hell I enjoy sex with women – I just enjoy sex. I am married. My wife always knew and accepted that I am both oversexed and have bi-fantasies. She has more than lived with them – she has played to them giving me immense pleasure in the process.
She did not sign on for me to have affairs. The fact that she has supported my minor explorations in the past, accepted and been willing to allow me to explore now is more than I would have asked way back when. Last night she made a comment about honesty and I responded that I had been quite honest. She didn’t respond at first and then said I had been except for a dozen times – a reference to the rough number of encounters I have had over the last few months.
So today I hooked up with my friend and it was good – I don’t deny it. But when I consider the totality of my life being bi should not be the defining or overwhelming issue. It is. That is not good.
So I am going home tonight. K and I will not talk till later – big kids, little kids, real life if you will. But we will end up together in bed and I will tell her that I cannot guarantee that I will not have another “Washington” (our code for a night eleven years ago in a foreign city); but I do not have the desire, the energy, to continue like this and to me, at this point in time, giving a blowjob, having my ass played with, etc., is not just not worth it.
Over the last few months I have come to accept I am bi. It is a strange enough acceptance and I do not claim to have come to grips with it all. My wife will have to continue living with my fantasies – spoken or unspoken. I cannot change them any more than controlling tomorrow’s snows. But at the moment I am weary.