I did a post – Words - a few days ago and I just can’t let it go. I started this journey as a classic straight guy who happened to want sex with men. Reading CL and seeing this statement I quickly realized the absurdity to it – when you are doing the “dirty” with a guy, you are not straight. So with difficulty, I admited I was bi, bi-sexual.
Now in the last post I mentioned homosexual acts and my difficulty in that phrasing. As I thought about it more I realized that bi – biped, bipolar, bifurcate (I can go for hours) – all refer to two sides, yet I am bi-sexual as in a heterosexual with lapses. Now I consider myself reasonably intelligent and it does seem that if I am engaged in sexual acts with a man, at least at that moment in time I am a homosexual; this is a statement, and concept, I am just unwilling to accept.
And this led me to consider the issue I have read that gays have issues with bi’s. I never understood why this would be the case but I think I do now. I know that some readers of this blog are gay. What must it look like to them when a person doing the same things, albeit not exclusively, do not want to share their label.
So I have spent close to a week on this, I find I cannot let it go. The answer of course is simple – that being bi means I am both heterosexual and homosexual at various times. I am just not at a point of accepting all it conveys.
I generally do not fish for comments – I am happy people read this, but ultimately write for myself. I confess that in this case, I would welcome any thoughts.
Thanks for listening.
Who Am I
- Nate
- I'm a middle aged man - separated and finally accepting, and yes, even embracing, being gay. My alter-ego Bibydays started this blog as a bisexual married man. One day I realized that Bibydays was just not an accurate description in so so many ways: Nate was born. Turns out there is much more to issues of my orientation than I ever realized. My world at work while not closeted is still not truly open but my family and friends stand with me in the sunlight. This place, once my refuge, now becomes a place where I can come to write when I have something to say.
7 comments:
I have enjoyed having sex with men and a woman (not at the same time!).
When I fantasize sexually it is almost exclusively about men. On the other hand, the most sublime, ethereal sex (sorry, but I can't find the right words - I'm trying to say sex that more than just feels good but is really a spiritual-type connection to another human being) I've had has been with my wife.
I have no problem being called gay, straight or bisexual but usually call myself "queer" because it seems less political and more inclusive to me.
For me the balance of sexual desires and sexual preferences can change hourly, daily, weekly or monthly. I've been hung up on labels before but at this time they really seem unimportant to me.
I've written about labels many times in my old blog. They're just so useless as they serve to do more to pigeonhole you into categories that never completely fit than they do to make you feel part of a greater labeled community.
Personally, I think worrying over the label isn't as healthy as just enjoying whatever and whomever you do in life.
Have some fun and be excellent to one another.
YOU'VE GOT MAIL. Check the latest comments in my last post.
Cheers!
This was a reply left for me on Flip's blog:
Bimarriedbut faithful
Hello Bibydays
The true definition of a bisexual is someone who falls in love with or is deeply attracted to the PERSON irrespective of his or her gender.
Ergo, you are gay. I am gay. Anyone who willingly has same gender sex is gay. We are just in deep, deep denial about it and find our comfort zone in using the term 'bisexual.'
My reply
Hi Bimarriedbut faithful
I am new at blogging and would willingly accept comments from non-bloggers - I will try to correct my settings.
I appreciate your comment. I am still digesting Flip's which I thought captured me - the best lovemaking/ sex I have is with my wife but find my fantasies are men.
I am not sure as to whether I am gay or in deep denial, but after 40 years of vague awareness, I am trying to ask that question.
Thanks Flip for hosting this.
I guess if we're going to label ourselves, I'm a heterosexual woman, and I have to question the idea that because you have same gender sex, you are gay but in deep denial. As my husband explains his feelings to me, he loves me and experiences an intimacy with me that he cannot find elsewhere. What he gets from his experiences with men is a physical release. He is not looking for emotional, or even sexual, intimacy with men. He wants an orgasm, albeit of a different type than he experiences when we have sex. But under bimarriedbutfaithful's definitions, my husband is gay? I don't really understand how that label appropriately encompasses the nature of my husband's sexuality.
I don't believe we need labels for ourselves, so much as we need them to define us to other people. If you can be happy with who you are, your preferences, your proclivities, and your choices, what difference does it make what people call you? I realize that it's easy for me to say, having never had to struggle with something as profound as my sexual identity. But I don't understand why the need to pigeonhole yourself in this way when there is never, ever going to be one word that defines the essence of you. Especially when what you are and what you want and what you like is going to continue to evolve and change every day of your life.
Just my two cents, but I wouldn't worry too much about your "label." It will never be everything that you are.
If I go by Bi Married but faithfuls comment I would probably carry the lable bi. Maybe so. Maybe not.
I would try not to worry to much about the lable.
Sexuality seems so completely fluid to me anyway. If you can look at yourself in the mirror in th morning and like the man staring back at you, what does the lable matter. Other peoples lables for you are then irrelevant.
I use this quote often,
"I've always felt that sexuality is a really slippery thing. In this day and age, it tends to get categorized and labeled, and I think labels are for food. Canned food."
-- Michael Stipe.
You know I only have good wishes for you on this sometimes rocky road we walk.
Thanks to all who commented.
I come away with many things.
Essentially my life, psyche, desires, etc. are quite complicated and a label is essentially simple and does not fit.
If bimarriedbut faithful is out there, send me an e-mail. I have some comments, but would rather do off line. Maybe I'm bi, maybe I'm gay, but I do not see how your method of defining really fits.
Again thanks all - you are a tremendous support system.
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