Monday, February 13, 2006

"A Thing So Simple and So Huge"

It was in the living an up and down weekend but the totality of it was amazingly consistent. I left work Friday with a clear direction and finally fell asleep Sunday having navigated my way to a certain level of peace. I had help from this blog world, wittingly and unwittingly. A series of e-mails with the wife of a bi poster gave great comfort and direction and ultimately Mark’s description of his sexual encounter with his wife helped crystallize some thoughts.

It is now clear to me that there are two issues in all of this – my sexual desires and my fidelity in a marriage. I have what I consider a healthy sexual appetite – K would call it oversexed, but why argue semantics. Part of my appetite involves stimulation which could be considered “gay”, but frankly as Mark so well described, many things can take place between a man and a woman; we own those same toys and have used them. Of late the sex, toys, stimulation have been rolled up in our bedroom with bi fantasies and I have work to do in separating these issues.

I am very attracted to women – walking down the street, being in the office, sitting in a restaurant, but even if given the chance, I would not act on these impulses. I am married. I cannot with straight face and good conscience argue that it’s any different because it’s a man instead of a woman. I fault no one for their acts – I am in no position to judge – but it seems to me its okay to be married, its okay to be not married, its okay to have a three some (if that suits both mates) – lots of things are okay. Cheating on my wife and saying its okay because it is with men is not okay for me.

Last night I also told K of this blog. Being smarter than me in these affairs (as I frequently point out), she has decided that what is once read cannot be unread. She may read this at some time, but is giving the subject consideration. For some reason I still don’t fully understand, it was harder to tell her about this than my indiscretions.

If the above sounds like all is undone, that would be grossly misleading. Rebuilding trust, a task in itself, seems to pale next to all the other issues. What does it mean to be bi, how that impacts a marriage, how our sex life can grow to again include certain stimulation that excites me with it remaining our bedroom without ghosts of unknown men, and of course still the core issue of trust.

Work is busy and while I will still post, it is now time to concentrate on work, home and hearth.

And in attempts to understand a thing so simple and so huge
Believed that they were meant to live after the deluge
Jackson Browne

5 comments:

Raven in NYC (aka Mark) said...

I understand why it's hard to share your blog. I told my wife of my blog and the address, but told her I didn't want her to read it. It's because much of what I put out there is not completely thought it. It's often ramblings that I haven't fully formed in my head. I fear the what's read can't be unread that your wife speaks of, especially if it's something I'm riffing on.

I'm glad you've found comfort out here, and glad my post played a role of sorts. Though I imagine another K played a bigger role ;-)

Bibydays said...

Your blog has been great not only for what you have written but it was only through finding your blog that I found the rest. I was about to give up. You are right about K.
And last I just found Jefferson through your blog. The Your Husband posting has "finished" me today and I added a comment to husbands 3 that gets to where I struggle.

Cymber said...

I keep thinking that there is something that I want or need to say here, being touched as I am by your words. But it is escaping me at the moment and all I can think to offer is that you are in my thoughts. Take care.

-K

Dane said...

I realize it's a bit simplictic as far as comments go, but I just wanted to say I think you've been going about this in all of the right ways.

Bibydays said...

Thanks Dane-
In this world of sex blogs, I have come to look to your blog for my other sustenance - I love the music, particularly the first one (magnetic fields)
Thanks