It’s strange how what started as a simple road trip – one that I have already taken – keeps having unexpected curves and detours. I came back from Washington and would love to claim I was sated, but that would ignore the next week. I am quite oral and as nice as it was to have unfettered access to a cock, the fact that I never did complete that task left an unfulfilled desire. A week later I am in the City and I still know where to find a buddy booth and find I did. The little things you remember – I hate the Dallas Cowboys, but I could never hold his jacket against him because I enjoyed giving him that bj so much. In a weird way those five minutes – fingers interlaced, feeling him pump - had more to it than the ten hours the weekend before.
No doubt my behavior would have continued, probably escalating, but KA went to a new therapist who took the position one is faithful or not – no playing the bi-card. I could not disagree with the logic. Stop I did for eleven years until the floodgates opened with a vengeance.
I understood my actions to be an act of will – character if you would. And I would still be claiming that today but for what I have learned from being in this blog world. There were to be sure concrete changes in my life: KA and I had a spiritual awakening of sorts – a road trip to Nova Scotia - culminating in more children (our first together).
But another aspect of it all crystallized with a comment on my Boston post:
“My first gay bar experience did end with action, but it felt a great deal cheaper to me than anything else I'd ever done in the way of casual sex.”
I thought I had the ultimate gay experience – a pick up in a bar, a night in a hotel, multiple orgasms (for him at least), yet I easily walked away, for eleven years. And while there were many factors including will, there was the fact that it was a cheapening experience – it would have been no different than hiring a gay hooker, except the gay hooker would have actually been interested in my cumming.
I mentioned that my actions in Washington were grounded in my increasingly homoerotic fantasies. These fantasies only grew feeding off Washington which brings me to Chicago.
I belong to a small professional trade group and we have settled on having a meeting in Chicago every May. Last year was the first and in five weeks the second. When I went there last year, I had gay sex on my mind. I thought about it, had figured out that CL does cover Chicago, but also had ambivalence – ten years on the sidelines. I finally did try CL, but when you first start trolling at midnight, one should not expect a catch.
In five weeks I will again find myself in Chicago and I have had a year to think and plan. But the landscape keeps changing – almost daily. And what I would want is evolving. Reliving Washington - I would take it I’m sure, but it is not where I am at today. I realize what I want, and in some way it will be more distressing at home than Washington if I carry through. I want to go on CL, or similar venues. I want to find a guy – not necessarily another bi-MWM; a gay guy would be fine. I would like to e-mail, know the person slightly. I would like to go to dinner, talk. And then if it all feels right, I would love to spend a night making love.
(I have re-read the last paragraph a few times – the last few sentences wrote themselves and I desperately want to disclaim them – a possessed kind of thing, a just kidding moment. I hurt as I re-read in a way I cannot explain, in a way only born in truth. )
It is morning now - a new day from when I wrote the above. I considered deleting or changing the parenthetical paragraph - today I do not need to disclaim and I do not feel the same hurt, but last night I did, deeply, and the backspace key may work on the computer, but has no place in the real world.