Sunday, April 02, 2006

End of The Road Trip - For Now

It’s strange how what started as a simple road trip – one that I have already taken – keeps having unexpected curves and detours. I came back from Washington and would love to claim I was sated, but that would ignore the next week. I am quite oral and as nice as it was to have unfettered access to a cock, the fact that I never did complete that task left an unfulfilled desire. A week later I am in the City and I still know where to find a buddy booth and find I did. The little things you remember – I hate the Dallas Cowboys, but I could never hold his jacket against him because I enjoyed giving him that bj so much. In a weird way those five minutes – fingers interlaced, feeling him pump - had more to it than the ten hours the weekend before.

No doubt my behavior would have continued, probably escalating, but KA went to a new therapist who took the position one is faithful or not – no playing the bi-card. I could not disagree with the logic. Stop I did for eleven years until the floodgates opened with a vengeance.

I understood my actions to be an act of will – character if you would. And I would still be claiming that today but for what I have learned from being in this blog world. There were to be sure concrete changes in my life: KA and I had a spiritual awakening of sorts – a road trip to Nova Scotia - culminating in more children (our first together).

But another aspect of it all crystallized with a comment on my Boston post:
“My first gay bar experience did end with action, but it felt a great deal cheaper to me than anything else I'd ever done in the way of casual sex.”
I thought I had the ultimate gay experience – a pick up in a bar, a night in a hotel, multiple orgasms (for him at least), yet I easily walked away, for eleven years. And while there were many factors including will, there was the fact that it was a cheapening experience – it would have been no different than hiring a gay hooker, except the gay hooker would have actually been interested in my cumming.

I mentioned that my actions in Washington were grounded in my increasingly homoerotic fantasies. These fantasies only grew feeding off Washington which brings me to Chicago.

I belong to a small professional trade group and we have settled on having a meeting in Chicago every May. Last year was the first and in five weeks the second. When I went there last year, I had gay sex on my mind. I thought about it, had figured out that CL does cover Chicago, but also had ambivalence – ten years on the sidelines. I finally did try CL, but when you first start trolling at midnight, one should not expect a catch.

In five weeks I will again find myself in Chicago and I have had a year to think and plan. But the landscape keeps changing – almost daily. And what I would want is evolving. Reliving Washington - I would take it I’m sure, but it is not where I am at today. I realize what I want, and in some way it will be more distressing at home than Washington if I carry through. I want to go on CL, or similar venues. I want to find a guy – not necessarily another bi-MWM; a gay guy would be fine. I would like to e-mail, know the person slightly. I would like to go to dinner, talk. And then if it all feels right, I would love to spend a night making love.

(I have re-read the last paragraph a few times – the last few sentences wrote themselves and I desperately want to disclaim them – a possessed kind of thing, a just kidding moment. I hurt as I re-read in a way I cannot explain, in a way only born in truth. )

It is morning now - a new day from when I wrote the above. I considered deleting or changing the parenthetical paragraph - today I do not need to disclaim and I do not feel the same hurt, but last night I did, deeply, and the backspace key may work on the computer, but has no place in the real world.


Ian said...

"today I do not need to disclaim and I do not feel the same hurt, but last night I did, deeply, and the backspace key may work on the computer, but has no place in the real world."

This simple statement, IMO, reveals a level of maturity many men never reach.

For me at least, the physical desires are easy enough to resist. The desires for companionship, for someone to shares your hopes and dreams, your fears and insecurities with, the desire for a stong arm to hold you close as you cuddle on the sofa, watching the evening news or sharing the day's events...that way madness lays.

Take Care and Be Safe,

Jon said...

Just discovered your blog - and on the same journey. 53, married and have just come out to myself in the last few years. Thanks Nate; there is comfort and safety in numbers.