Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Lose Lose

At a time when I should be concentrating on work – an accountant on the home stretch – "my mind's distracted and diffused, my thoughts are many miles away.” Still I was going to hold off on this post until I read Flip today.

As I have mentioned I am going to Chicago at the beginning of May – big trip, 48 hours much of which is booked by my professional purpose. It has been suggested that my mentioning of it was fishing. It really was not. But a strange thing happened: Chicago took on a life of its own.

First SB found me and I had a date. Then SB lost me (cool – for good reasons) and I did not have a date. Then I started to think about what I wanted out of all of this and discussed it with Tom my therapist on Monday. Finally we figured it out. There are two possibilities.

The first is I go to Chicago and I do not hook up. Well I feel morally good, very responsible. And I get to come home knowing that I have another year to think about Chicago and regret not taking the opportunity.

The other choice is to attempt to have some fun (yes, I am aware of my choice of words) while there. Well this could be going on CL in advance or when I get there. The other night when I could not sleep I logged on and went to CL Chicago; boy was that depressing. I suppose there are other sites, but I have never gotten that far. I could just go to a bar – my therapist is gay, he tells me that in Chicago the area is called Boys Town. He seems to know these things. Then I can maybe get lucky and have an experience that is ultimately as empty as Washington.

In other words in a world where everyone loves a win-win (something I still don’t really get) I find myself with a lose-lose.

I truly started discussing Chicago in an innocent fashion, not a fishing expedition. But I must confess if I opened up my e-mail tomorrow and the next SB was waiting for me, I would jump on it in a heartbeat.

Work truly is a bit hellish, so please excuse my usual lack of editing and re-writing – this is a one take, what I think is what you get post.

Thanks for putting up with this. I am guessing that you are all pretty sick of Chicago by now; it will, one way or another, be behind us soon enough.

1 comment:

Marlan said...

Well, go to Chicago, enjoy yourself. It's a fun town and yes, the boystown area is loaded with nightlife possibilities. If you have to scratch that itch, you can. If you don't want to, you don't have to. My experience is that when I had the inclination, the opportunity didn't present itself. When I just went out without expectations, it happened by itself. Finally, having a one night stand is not a commitment-level experience; however I have met some great men that way and have built some extended friendships and relationships from those events.