There’s a saying that when three people say your drunk, lay down. Last week I had an e-mail conversation with Cymber and she asked how I was doing. After a few e-mails, she pointed out that it had all been real interesting but that I never answered the question. Last night KA and I had one of our legendary heart to hearts – from 4 to 6 AM (brutal on the system). Among the ground covered was my avoidance rooted in an arrogance (her word - maybe a tad harsh, but she is usually right) I bring to my existence.
The problem is that I know the end of the story (or so I believe). I am 51 years old, we have a blended family with many children, I am still sexually attracted to my wife and she remains my best friend (probably bordering on the unhealthy, but more on that later). Therefore to me it is simple: if I were to meet “Mr. Perfect” (doubtful being I’m not even looking) I do not see myself giving up what I have. So if I know the ending why read the book? While KA has no problem with the ending, she knows that I can only get there (or anyplace else) through the journey – no Rosie Ruiz moments in this household.
She also knows that I am not really progressing. As I commented on Drew’s blog yesterday if I am with a man I believe I am having gay sex; not that at that moment I am gay. It is part of why I never minded Dane’s calling me out on the word “cured”. I still fall back on the modifiers, a defense mechanism to downplay my reality. I present as an innocent but while I have not strayed for the past month, I was the one on a four month binge with fifteen to twenty encounters (only three partners - not a total slut). A straight guy with a weakness for giving bj's - I don't think so.
I took the Klein test. I could not think of the name (Klein) while driving home yesterday and I renamed it the Richter Scale. It is the right range and when you start to get to fours and fives, the tremors are undeniable, but I digress. I took the test a few times – changed a few of the answers on the future side to match the current – and the results were shockingly consistent – I’m a 2 ½ shading towards 3. My initial reaction was – see I’m not a four or five; I’m still the straight guy with a weakness. The thing is that 2 ½ while not a 4 or 5 is anything but straight.
KA and I discussed where we are as a couple. There are some good things in all of this. Based on my dominant personality our home has been my home. She now feels liberated to take back a portion of it and I feel vulnerable enough to finally step back from my quiet heavy handedness. We are working on not being joined at the hip, no longer feeling the need for the same bedtime, watching the same TV shows at the same moment.
More importantly, she does not want me to jump to the end because that means that all of the issues will remain unresolved. Brian spoke of reconciliation, not suppression. Of course he meant reconciliation with myself and I want to get back to the suppression. The nature of this journey escapes me. Clearly to say I just want to meet a bi-gay guy and only have nice dinner conversation is ridiculous: the fun of the Chicago date was the knowledge that barring some unforeseen disaster, it would have ended in bed.
We talk about our sex life – the toys we still own. KA points out that they may come out of the drawer again, but it has to be part of our sex life, not her being a surrogate for a man. She is correct: there is still a third person in bed with us and ultimately our bed is the right size for two people.
KA is a patient woman; she married me knowing my fantasies, though neither of us grasped their depth. She is willing for us to work though this whatever the ending. However as Mark points out about KA and his wife, their patience is not unending, their understanding has limits. KA is supportive in my hard to define journey because it will come to an end, either by my doing or hers.
I wish I had answers, wisdom for myself, wisdom to share. I do not.