I was going to write an anniversary post, three months since I started my blog. So much to say and so, so many to thank. But the circumstances wrote another post for me. I am alone in the office, working late; I hit iTunes shuffle – the quiet is oppressive - and an acoustic version of Both Sides Now comes on. I remain in awe of the Gods of Music.
Sunday night my fingers betrayed me:
I want to find a guy – not necessarily another bi-MWM; a gay guy would be fine. I would like to e-mail, know the person slightly. I would like to go to dinner, talk. And then if it all feels right, I would love to spend a night making love.
The next day I saw my therapist, he listened, nodded, smiled and said “you want a date.” I had not thought of it in those words, but he nailed it. (At those prices he should.)
That afternoon I received an e-mail from someone reading my blog. SB (as we’ll call him) is a bi married guy who happens to live in Chicago. We e-mailed back and forth over the last few days – tentatively at first, a little more directly as we continued. SB and I do not really know each other yet, but what we know, we like. SB also wants a date. We will continue our dance, we will continue to get to know each other, and maybe when I get to Chicago I will have a date.
One might fairly ask where KA is in this picture. She knows the essence of my Sunday post – one cannot feel as I did at that moment and climb into bed with the one you love and hide the terror. She is not happy, but she understands that I need to complete this journey if I am ever to return home whole, if we are ever to have the bed back to just ourselves. And she knows that the issue ceased being just anonymous sex well before I knew or at the least was willing to admit it to myself.
The thing is that I am tired now, a long day, a long busy season. But there is no denying the excitement I felt seeing new messages from SB today. My fingers told the truth on Sunday night and it is time for me to acknowledge it – to myself.
While this post has been taken over by the events of the day – is that not what a blog is - I cannot let this anniversary pass without comment. I started this blog almost by accident with no idea of what a blog truly was. Back then if one had suggested I would feel this connection to so many of you – a very real feeling – I would have not have understood the question no less believed the answer. But feel it I do.
I continue to write for myself - the joys and the pain and always the truth. The thing is that while the writing has been therapeutic, the comments, the posts in your blogs, the occasional side e-mails – all of that has helped me grow so, so much over the last few months. While I consider myself good with words, I lack ones to express the depth of my gratitude. I am truly humbled by you all.
Thanks for being.