Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Nate Has A Date

I was going to write an anniversary post, three months since I started my blog. So much to say and so, so many to thank. But the circumstances wrote another post for me. I am alone in the office, working late; I hit iTunes shuffle – the quiet is oppressive - and an acoustic version of Both Sides Now comes on. I remain in awe of the Gods of Music.

Sunday night my fingers betrayed me:
I want to find a guy – not necessarily another bi-MWM; a gay guy would be fine. I would like to e-mail, know the person slightly. I would like to go to dinner, talk. And then if it all feels right, I would love to spend a night making love.
The next day I saw my therapist, he listened, nodded, smiled and said “you want a date.” I had not thought of it in those words, but he nailed it. (At those prices he should.)

That afternoon I received an e-mail from someone reading my blog. SB (as we’ll call him) is a bi married guy who happens to live in Chicago. We e-mailed back and forth over the last few days – tentatively at first, a little more directly as we continued. SB and I do not really know each other yet, but what we know, we like. SB also wants a date. We will continue our dance, we will continue to get to know each other, and maybe when I get to Chicago I will have a date.

One might fairly ask where KA is in this picture. She knows the essence of my Sunday post – one cannot feel as I did at that moment and climb into bed with the one you love and hide the terror. She is not happy, but she understands that I need to complete this journey if I am ever to return home whole, if we are ever to have the bed back to just ourselves. And she knows that the issue ceased being just anonymous sex well before I knew or at the least was willing to admit it to myself.

The thing is that I am tired now, a long day, a long busy season. But there is no denying the excitement I felt seeing new messages from SB today. My fingers told the truth on Sunday night and it is time for me to acknowledge it – to myself.

While this post has been taken over by the events of the day – is that not what a blog is - I cannot let this anniversary pass without comment. I started this blog almost by accident with no idea of what a blog truly was. Back then if one had suggested I would feel this connection to so many of you – a very real feeling – I would have not have understood the question no less believed the answer. But feel it I do.

I continue to write for myself - the joys and the pain and always the truth. The thing is that while the writing has been therapeutic, the comments, the posts in your blogs, the occasional side e-mails – all of that has helped me grow so, so much over the last few months. While I consider myself good with words, I lack ones to express the depth of my gratitude. I am truly humbled by you all.

Thanks for being.


marlan said...

How long are you going to be in chicago? Maybe you can have two dates.

woe said...

I just caught the Sunday post as well. I am glad you found you backspace key has no place there.

I could cry for the honesty in that post and also for the hurt. To sit and have dinner with someone knowing there is an interest in each other that runs further that just a hook up. I think many/most/perhaps all would want that.

I admire KA for walking this road with you.

Nate more than anything I wish you an awesome date, with good company and if it ends in a night of making love............MAGIC. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

Nate said...

Hi Marlan
I think I'm blushing. Still adjusting to one date, but e-mail me natesix at gmail.com
I would utter "when I write my book" but I think this blog represents that.