Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Maybe Not

It has been an eye opening few days. It seems that my date in Chicago is not meant to be – a matter of the calendar and the shortness of my visit. SB feels bad but his family comes first; a fact that does not upset me because it confirms my judgment of him was correct: he has values.

I will share some of my e-mail to him:
As you know from my blog, my journey has ceased being about a bj (so to speak) and is in many ways about maturity - maturity as to who I am, the effect of my activities on the world, all sorts of things.

You have of course removed a crutch. I was never sure if I could pull the trigger on my own - that is go on CL, post a listing, take my chances in that world. I am still not sure. Being forced to confront myself is not a terrible thing.

Whether it comes to pass that Chicago includes a “date” and/or gay sex, the simple fact is when the opportunity came to me, I went for it, a fact no backspace key can change. Heck, I jumped at it, with a smile. And that terrifies me.

There is much more for me to understand here; I suspect I will not go hunting – CL just does not do it for me - but this blog seems to be quite the ice-breaker. If it all sounds confusing, then I have done a good job communicating because confused I am.


woe said...

Confusion seems to be a perpetual state these days for me.

I think you have expressed yours well.

Flip said...

Hi Nate,

Being both cynical and a (for today just barely reformed) slut I assumed you were fishing when you told us all which city you would be visiting in May, and didn't view it in a negative way. OK, add another dash of honesty. I even thought about trying to arrange my travel to be there at the same time. But that's not where I'm at right now, today (again, no judgment implied).

I was reminded of something by your previous assertion that this has moved beyond anonymous sex. When I first declared my intention to move out of my house and try being gay, I was asked how I could throw away a beautiful life "just for sex." I haughtily declared (and sincerely believed) that this was about "everything BUT sex." (Huh?) I meant this was about my core being, my identity, my very self, and my tragically, oh so terminally unique situation in life. How dare anyone cheapen this by calling it "just sex!"

Well, as we all know being queer really is about more than sex. On the other hand, after a "number" of hookups (and reflection on the circumstances of those hookups) this ho had to question the " Everything but" part of "Everything but sex" to start getting completely honest with himself. Unfortunately I probably had to have those hookups to be able to do that. Often I have to learn the hard way (pun intended).

Nate, I was considering posting about this someday. I may still do that but thought it was very relevant to what you said.
Again, only the experience of this slut. Take it with a grain of salt.

Regardless, hang in there.

Nate said...

Hi Flip
Last night in a rare mode I was on line way past a NY bedtime reading the short story you linked and when I exited the story discovered the comment - we both need to sleep.

The honest answer is that when I initially mentioned Chicago, it was not fishing - one stop of many on my road trip. But at some point it did strike me that maybe someone from this world would respond and when SB answered I have already admited to being thrilled.

Why was I reading a good but strange short story at 1:30 AM. Because otherwise I would have been looking at CL Chicago. I eventually did and was reminded why I avoid that place.

So I on one hand I am happy not to "sully" this corner of my life which has become so near and dear to me, but I would be lying if I wrote I would not have been thrilled if one of you were in Chicago.

And yes, it is a weird middle ground - it may not be all about the sex, but hey - it is a biggie in all this.