But I don’t really need any of them because I stumbled on the “Nate test.” In a twelve hour period this week I came upon two posts. The first was on Chelsea Girl. Now I have to confess in a very rare moment instead of lying in bed not sleeping I went on the the computer at 1:30 AM. I also have to confess that my usual sleeping aid - masturbation – was failing me due to exhaustion and I suspect mental issues – presumably guilt over homoerotic fantasies. So I come upon this post. While I consider it recommended reading I will supply the cliff notes: a primer for a man taking care of his female lover. I didn’t intend anything to happen but there I am at my computer touching myself and cumming, quite easily.
So I have taken the test and I have not lost my straight side. I took some comfort in that as silly as it sounds.
The next day I am at work and I trackback to a person who left a comment on one of my posts. Another married bi-guy on that other coast so I start to read a random post. As you might have guessed the cliff notes version of this one is a homoerotic story of an early encounter. Being at work I was not in a position to do anything but the bulge in my pants was undeniable.
The Gods of the Blog world have smiled - while finding that last homoerotic link, I found the lost test of the first paragraph. Of course now I have to take the test. As with the Klein test I discover that taking it twice gives somewhat different results because frankly there are questions which are just too close to call.
The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality
According to my answers, it is likely that I identify as
Concurrent bisexual
Take the quiz
I am surprised by this result - not very 2 ½ sounding to me. It is interesting - Kinsey is driven by self definition, Klein by actions, and this last one seems to concentrate on fantasies. My Kinsey and multi-dimensional seem to paint more of a homosexual picture than Klein.
It does in a perverse way make perfect sense from a married guys perspective. Within my closet the opportunity to be gay is severly limited - actions of 2 ½ does seem reasonable when one is living with a wife and each same sex encounter takes on a life of its own. But when only dealing with fantasies the results are very different. I suppose I could go back to my old denial position - of course my fantasies are gay; why fantasize about what you can have any night. But I find that argument to be disingenious and at this point boring.
I suppose what I like about the "Nate tests" is as much as I continually try to lie to myself, the gut physical reactions remain the ultimate truth.
After writing the above last night my thoughts started to broaden on the whole topic of tests as predictors versus self-fulfilling prophecies. The ultimate test in our society is the SAT's - a morning that determines many of our futures. I went in there knowing I would do better on the English. As you may have noticed I like words and there is a frustrated writer pouring it all out on this blog. Yet when the envelope arrived I learned I was a math person - a not inconsequential 90 point differential.
Today I find myself an accountant - an honorable profession at which I am quite good and has brought me a modicum of success. Yet I wonder if the scores had been reversed would my love of words taken my life different directions. So as I write this I can say it was fun playing with the tests - a parlor game if you will - but the only thing I am taking to heart is the one inside me.
Happy April 15th to all; I am still standing after the last 3 ½ months; I'll settle for that.
3 comments:
I am still standing after the last 3 ½ months...
It will get better. Here's my best wishes for another 3 ½ months... 3 ½ years... 3 ½ decades.
Nate:
as you know, I take all the Testing with a grain of salt that probably outweighs the tests. I did career counseling back in the days when I thought I didn't need it; my very wise counselor had given up college career counseling after 25 years because he decided that the people who interested him were the ones trying to tackle something completely different in retirement or just jumping ship and looking for the next boat. And one of the things HE said was that any one of the tests [Meyers/Briggs, etc] was meaningless -- a picture only emerged from looking at six or seven and seeking a balance. My guess is that holds true in SPADES for us on the queer/querying/Quasimodo track.
Chicago: when you go to the Art Institute, look for the Magritte and the Caillebotte:
http://www.artic.edu/aic/collections/highlight_search?acc=1964.336&page=1&ArtistID=27
simply the most amazing rendering of light on water ever painted. Perhaps otherwise dumb, but simply amazing and unique. Take a minute -- sit if you can -- and look at all the little places water collects and runs between the cobblestones. I find it mindboggling.
BUT THERE'S TOO MUCH THERE.
It's like Disneyland that way. No way you can do it in a morning...
Have a wonderful time. And seek connection, not sensation. Sensation may follow, or not. But what you set out to find will have everything to do with how it hits you and how it stays with you. A word of advice from the Totally Inexperienced and Timid.
But something to think about, maybe.
Good luck
The Troll
I will check out those items in the Art Institute- thanks.
Brian has given me reconciliation, not suppression and now we have coonection before sensation: well said
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