Raven recently wrote of an “awful” sexual encounter with SR and it made me think of “mercy fucks” (my own term). I had an incredible run with my wife – probably averaged more than once a day for the first seven or eight years of our marriage – but life catches up. Between children, life’s pressures, and hormonal issues (I fear we are the old people in this neighborhood), the drop off has been precipitous. Personally, while my stamina may not be quite the same, my desire is still there. I think of it like the old Anita Bryant orange juice ads – “a day without orange juice (can’t say OJ anymore) is like a day without sunshine.”
So what happens is that I lay in bed, and when she falls asleep I take care of myself – still the best sleeping aid ever. It gets dicey when she realizes I’m awake, tossing, etc. and feels guilty that she is not supplying me with sex. The ice is broken (if that would be the term) by comments like – “Come-on, it’s my wifely duty” or in less generous moments “Lets get this over with so I can get to sleep.” It is also usually accompanied by some reference to my being oversexed. Just to add perspective, this is by no means a nightly experience – more of a weekly event.
Now I’m feeling bad – I of course love sex, but it is now tainted love (I know it’s a song). If I turn it down (which I do a surprising amount), I then lay there without sex and surely not in a position to masturbate and generally pity myself. If I accept I feel like I have cheapened myself. (Hang in there Mark; I’m getting back to your post.)
When we have sex under these circumstances (there are other times where we make love under much more favorable conditions), there are three possibilities. There are the occasions where the spark ignites and we have an unexpectedly fun time. The majority of the times it is a quick encounter – I cum, she doesn’t, and its back to sleep: there are worse fates for sure. Then there are the disasters – the ones that are “awful”. She feels guilty for not wanting sex more, I feel guilty for wanting sex when I know she doesn’t.
The saving grace is that on some levels she misses it as much as I do and does want it back (maybe not every day, but a lot more than now) and hopefully the new meds will kick in soon. I guess this is part of the “better or worse” and while re-reading my post it may seem a bit over the top, I am still totally in love and as “worse” goes, it could be a lot worse.