Sunday, January 15, 2006

Self Indulgence

I realize that I on the whole I have become very self indulgent in my thoughts. Friday's a good example: After a good week at work, I cut out early to get together with JJ, a guy who I have seen a few times (and now realize may for now be the fun regular gig I have been seeking). Afterwards I drove home along the Ocean Parkway, Maybe the prettiest road in New York, running on a thin strip of barrier beach with water on both sides and on Friday an early eveniong fog - just enough to create a beautiful envelopment without thinking I was going to die in my car.

I came home to our Friday tradition - K, my wife, waiting with a pitcher of perfect manhatans and a great dinner (the girl can cook). Sounds good. Then we start discussing my strangly gay family and particularly if my 18 and 20 year old sons are gay, bi, straight, confused (the current bet) and I started to note that considering me - her head popped up and with a firm quietness that brooked no dissent said "Don't Go There." For much of the rest of the weekend, I fixated (as I tend to) over the line thats been drawn - don't ask, don't tell, it keeps coming back.

As I thought about it more, I am still troubled by the comment and what it represents but also realize that to fixate on that and ignore the rest of my life is, well, self indulgent. I also realize that on some level my guilt on loving sex with other guys is as much internal as anything imposed by K.

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