Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Denial, Sweet Denial

Recently some one sent me a New Yorker cartoon showing two woman standing on a corner chatting – the caption was “I feel much better now that I am back in denial.”

As anyone following my tale knows, I hit a personal low a few weeks ago and after having my wife read my blog entry about it saw my stock go even lower. I rode out the storm and decided that I would try accepting bi-ness as a co-existent state with monogamy, a standard I am still aiming for.

The problem started with my second visit with my new therapist on Monday. Actually the problem had already started; the visit was the opportunity for it to be revealed. As he had suggested, I was giving this a three visit test drive before deciding if he was the one.

I explained to him how well I was doing – no more bj’s for this puppy, home at the hearth, evenings by the fireside (well maybe no fireside, but it sounds so appealing). He was mellow but insisted on touching on topics no longer relevant to me – avoiding certain underage websites (which I do not cruise), avoiding trouble if one finds oneself at the cruising “park and ride” (another thing I have not done). All this good but irrelevant advice. I want Sigmund, so many deep issues to explore. I am not sure whether I have found the right therapist after all.

I go home and explain this to KA. She listens nicely and then in the calmest of fashions proceeds to “bitch slap” me. She is of course right. I have declared myself cured of any issues of being bi in a marriage. I’ll just stop – something I believe I can do by will power, though a more rational underpinning to my behavior may be just a tad healthier in the long run. It is of course my pattern with therapy. I am smart and a relatively quick thinker and somehow manage to convince everyone, particularly myself that all is well.

Once I start to think about it, it seems maybe I have found the right therapist after all. I have expressed behavior that is disturbing to me and seven days later walk in and re-acknowledge it. I then hold it against him that he does not join me in ignoring the last four months (or in the broader sense, the last forty years) – sweet denial.

KA wants to know if the therapist is too similar to me. She may be right again – he’s few years younger, wears a wedding ring and has a feel for bi-ness that seems to go beyond reading the book. I think I will forsake Sigmund for someone who seems to know the trenches we find ourselves in and the demons who are sure to return.


Brian said...

Can you say transference?What difference does it make if the therapist IS bi?Reconciling an orientation isn't the same as surpressing one.It's rather like trying to put the jello back in the mold.

Bibydays said...

While I pride myself on my writing, I fear that my desire to "turn a phrase" overrode clarity and obscured my point.

I intend to continue with this therapist for the time being. The fact that he may be bi (I really have no idea) is irrelevant to me. What is important to me is that he does have an understanding of the issues of sexuality and while I would like to down play them,they are the issues at hand.

I do love the jello image - jello does not go back into molds and genie's don't go back in bottles.

Thanks for the comment.

woe said...

I appreciate this post lot. All to often now I find myself dealing with issues again becuase i managed to somehow fool myself they are not there for a while.

brian said...

Methinks I may have been a bit too harsh. This issue is a bit sensitive for me. I had encounters without"TOUCHING" for years,thinking that made them safe and not cheating.Incorporating my fragments into a whole has been a continuing process.

Bibydays said...

There is a line in your first comment that has legs -"reconciling versus suppressing."
Drop me an e-mail if you do such things.

Flip said...

I am puzzled by your post and I suspect it is a result of my own slowness.

Why is your therapist encouraging you not to engage in behaviors you have not previously engaged in and have no desire to engage in? To me that indicates he is not listening to you but rather playing his pre-recordded "Second Visit From a Bi Married Guy" tape.

I guess the bottom line for me is that in a therapist there is a difference between indirect (good) and inscrutable (waste of time and money).

But I suspect I am just missing the point completely.

Bibydays said...

Clearly my post was anything but clear. That of course reflects my total confusion and vacillation on the topic, complicated by trying to decide if I do have the right therapist. I do not have a stellar track record on that count.

Flip – you are anything but slow and if you are lost, I need to revisit. The fact that he told me not to do things I had never done can be held against him as the visit 2 tape, and I did that until I came home. On the other hand, one week earlier I was telling him of answering a CL ad for an 18 year old and now, one week later, I am telling him (and myself) that I am cured. I am not sure what would have been a fair response to expect and therefore am having trouble judging the response I received.

I guess on Monday this all will be the topic for him as we decide whether to continue. All of the input from everyone is appreciated. Not easy stuff…

Dane said...

I have to say that I support everything you're doing to try and salvage your marriage, but the whole notion of "curing" yourself of bisexuality is distasteful to me as it reminds me so much of the ex-gay movement and the damage it tries to do towards equality.