Saturday, March 18, 2006

Words and The Damage Done

A word has unfortunately entered the lexicon, one that I did not introduce but picked up on and used. A fellow blogger asked if anyone was ever cured by psycho-therapy. He was not, in my opinion, asking about those who are schizo, bi-polar, suicidal, etc. He was asking, in my opinion, about those of us struggling with sexual identity, marriages, and other issues of a life.

I then used the word –Cure – in one of my comments. I used it and I live and die by “what has been read cannot be unread”. As tempting as it is, I have not deleted it. I will however apologize for it and comment on it.

I lay in bed last night considering the horror of what I had written, long before waking to much deserved criticism from Dane.

I do not believe in cures because I do not believe I am sick. I have issues to address. Brian has phrased it as matters of reconciliation, not suppression. Those thoughts deserve their own posting.

I have spent the past four months getting to a point of accepting I am bi-sexual. I have spent the past forty years being bi-sexual, even if I did not always realize it and was frequently unaware of it. (I considered last night my first inkling of being bi and will talk about that in a separate post - it was a long, long time ago).

I am ashamed of cheating on my wife. I am not ashamed of being bi – it does not have that form of emotional content. I am also 5” 11”. Certain things are.

Whether I go to my grave never having sex with a man again or find myself on my knees giving a bj tomorrow, I will be bi for the rest of my life.

I posted the following comment on Dane’s blog a few minutes ago. It is my apology to him and I offer it up to all.

Last night I was awake from 2 to 4 AM thinking of many things, but primarily a comment I made on one of my posts. I had that feeling one gets in life of realizing a mistake and figuring I would correct it in the morning.

I am the blogger you refer to - I appreciate you kindness in not mentioning me by name, but I have always believed in personal responsibility.

I am about to write a post on the subject - I ask that you go to my blog and read it - but the bottom line is that my choice of words and the implications of them was not acceptable to one who chooses his words as carefully as I tend to.

I considered deleting my comment, but it is part of my struggle - as distasteful as it was to me and I am sure even more so to others.

I was going to send you a direct apology before I saw this post (along with a song as liquidated damages) but I have no e-mail for you. I then decided I was going to attach this to whatever your last post was - I did not realize that it would be me.

I hope you choose to read my blog again - I have appreciated your comments over time. I thank you for calling me on this one - one point of this "world" is being "slapped" when necessary.

Written with the greatest humilty, a once again chastened bibydays.

1 comment:

Ben said...

Bibydays,

I say this with the utmost respect & care. You have absolutely nothing to apologize or be "ashamed for" in your recent post.

Something I feel from every one of your posts is that you take a great deal of deliberation & poise to deliver. Each has the effect of showing a great deal of forethought before ever embarking across the electrons of the internet.

Maybe I'm biased. Maybe I'm way off base. But I think the misdeed was not yours, nor your responsibility to apologize for. Please don't let this color your vision to continue to share with the rest of us.