All that you have is your soul
Yesterday’s post by Flip made me think quite a bit and I wrote him, but did not send an e-mail, elaborating on my comment. As I thought about it more, I realized that I was on the verge of losing one of the inherent lessons in Flip’s writings: the necessity of being truthful (to me and anyone reading) particularly when it is tough. If I start to censor myself here, then much of why I am here becomes lost.
So back to the topic – Flip goes on CL, sees the “perfect” posting and replies.
I had avoided CL for a while. Of course I had somebody I was “active” with (wonderful euphemism) so going on CL was a bit unnecessary. But over the last week, I found myself going on – as I lay in bed last night I calculated I could be at M4M for my area in say 3 keystrokes and 5 mouse clicks, so, so easy.
I ask myself why and the answer is that I am not sure how long my current bud will last. He is freaked by my having told my wife that I am bi and I was also losing my edge for him. He is my age and my fantasy has always been younger – a cute 30 year old would be nice. In essence, like any addictive personality, I wanted more.
So I go on CL and there is a posting – 18 year old looking for 50 +. He wants a bj, he wants to top: he is 18. I close the posting and a little while later read it again. He’s blond, he is writing my fantasy: he is 18. So I know the right thing – I know when to walk away. So I do the only thing I can – I respond. He answers. He wants a picture. I say no pics. He does not respond. I am on some level disappointed and in many ways relieved.
I sit there over the next few days – checking my Yahoo way too much – and I realize at that moment that I have crossed a line. I am at that moment not comfortable in my own skin. I realize that I am bordering on – no actually crossed over to – self destructive behavior. When my soon to be hired shrink returns my initial call on a Friday, I am happy to get an appointment for Monday morning.
My shrink gets it – he does not tell me to avoid CL, he does not judge my acting out. He tells me no under 25 – a minimum age of reasonableness.
I have for the moment retreated from that line – my reasonableness has returned. But I see how easy it was – and is – to cross again and frankly it’s a little scary.
So I write this with embarrassment, maybe the only emotion I have not covered over the last few months. Vulnerability has never been my strong suit, but I suppose it is just one less level for the new shrink to peel away – he will still have much to work with. I still question my need to post this – part of me says just put it away, leave it be. But another part says be honest and in as we all have learned what has been read cannot be unread, even if I am also the writer.
Don’t be tempted by the shiny apple
Don’t you eat of a bitter fruit
Hunger only for a taste of justice
Hunger only for a world of truth
'cause all that you have is your soul
(As a post-script of sort, as I was cutting and pasting this post, I spoke on the phone with my wife for a moment - She heard my voice and kept asking what was wrong - I sounded depressed. I told her I was fine, but I guess my voice betrays me. I will tell her.)