I feel the landscape has changed in so many ways in since last weeks “near death” experience, good and bad. My post discussing it still weighs heavily on me and may yet become the only post that I ultimately delete, as if that removal from this nether world will change its existence.
I suffered a bit of depression before, during and after writing and posting it. I then showed the incredible poor judgment – my capacity for poor judgment of late is a source of constant amazement – of sharing the posting with KA. I thought that having told her most of it already, her reading the actual post would help in my catharsis. Of course the answer is clear – I was worried about my catharsis and blithely ignored her.
Needless to say the post angered, scared and depressed her; we still share a bed, but only through her good graces. It’s a shame because prior to this little crisis, I had come to some serious conclusions.
Underlying everything of course is the issue of my sexual orientation. I have written post after whining post – what am I today? – which is okay I suppose but there is a time to move on. So in that spirit let me say to me and anyone else who happens to be listening: I am bisexual. (In the you can’t make this shit up department, I compose in Word and “bisexual” has the funny red line underneath – Bill Gates wants me to add a question mark.)
Having accepted that I am bi - forty years of denial really seems quite long enough – does that mean I can go have sex with men. I am married and do respect my wife, as hard as that may be to believe based on recent actions. I am still attracted to other women – would I presume the right to have sex with them? So knowing that at some point we are not open marriage people (no disrespect to those who are) I figure I’ll have one more drink while we work things out. Well maybe two more… You get the gist.
So I have come to realize that I cannot say to KA “I’ll never be with another man again” but I can say “I will endeavor not to be with other men while we work through this.” And say that I have.
As I have said often, I no longer have the certitude I once had. But while we try to absorb the magnitude of events in our lives, I can at the least put down my glass and put away the bottle.
And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you