Work has been insane - okay I confess -I'm an accountant and April 15th is bearing down hard. By necessity the road trip to Washington will have to wait. Instead we will stay local.
Up until three weeks ago I had a weekly lunch date with a guy – my age, married. We probably had seven or eight sessions. I told him of my wife knowing about me before our last encounter and he was freaked at first, but hey – I do give a mean bj.
He knows my job and things were left open. I considered e-mailing that I was taking a vacation, but that seemed so permanent – the one more drink thing I have written about. I knew he would assume I was not calling because of work.
So yesterday I get an e-mail – just saying hi, acknowledging three weeks to go. I e-mailed back noncommittally – yep, three weeks to go. The thing is that three weeks go fast. If I do see him again, I will eventually tell KA, I am incapable of lying. She will not leave me, she will not be surprised. But she will be hurt, how could she not be and the thought of hurting her hurts me.
Three more weeks…
On another more cheerful note, someone sent me a link to a Google video of Chriss Bliss (he is not a porn star though his website will re-direct you on request to Christy Bliss) juggling to Golden Slumbers. It makes me smile every time. The link is so long that it just keeps crashing this post, so if you cannot find it through google video, e-mail me. I am not always sure what shows through on my blog, but I do smile - a lot. I love life, even the rough spots.
Who Am I
- Nate
- I'm a middle aged man - separated and finally accepting, and yes, even embracing, being gay. My alter-ego Bibydays started this blog as a bisexual married man. One day I realized that Bibydays was just not an accurate description in so so many ways: Nate was born. Turns out there is much more to issues of my orientation than I ever realized. My world at work while not closeted is still not truly open but my family and friends stand with me in the sunlight. This place, once my refuge, now becomes a place where I can come to write when I have something to say.
5 comments:
Instead of waiting till after the fact to tell KA about it why don't you tell her now. Tell her that this guy e-mailed you and you hate that you feel torn about it. You don't want to met him because you don't want to hurt her, and you don't want to give into the selfishness of it (the fact that being with a guy is just something you need).
You may be surprised at her response. AND at the very least she's not gonna have any more of a reaction than if you told her that you did mess around with this guy. Just a thought.
A good thought. You are of course right and I will discuss with her - whether there is an after the fact or not, though you do sense my weakness in the post.
Her responses never cease to amaze me and the strange thing - a future post - is that our marriage is better now than in years. Honesty does that, but it still is not easy. I did have the chance to discuss this the night it occured and just could not pull the trigger. I will.
Thanks
I would have commented last night, when I first read this post, but Mark beat me to the punch and said what needed to be said much more eloquently than I could have. Even if your wife reacts negatively, you'll be in better shape for having spoken with her in advance of taking any action.
Honesty isn't easy, but lying and/or hiding something like this isn't any easier. Better for you to try and navigate this kind of thing with her support than to deal with all of the emotions this kind of thing brings up in you without her input.
I sense your weakness becaue I have it all the time. I've trolled the internet and e-mailed people (hell, I'm surprised we haven't crossed paths before, but maybe we have) and even gone as far as arranged something. But then something clicks, and the strangeness of how great my marriage is now settles in. Then I realize if this is what I really need then I need to talk to my wife, and figure it out.
It's too easy to just meet this guy. Don't do it without telling KA about it. She's been understanding, but there is a point. Even with the openness and honestly there is a line to be crossed. Don't cross it.
As I write this I am in my office, music I love playing through the computer (I do love the music), an awesome sunset sky with incredible cloud formations lit from below, a job I joke about but love, and a wife who is all I can ask for.
The weakness is there - no denying it, but I do realize all I have and it is what keeps me at home.
I do appreciate Cymber and Raven's good advice today. I will take their advice
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